


A Double Edged Sword

by congejk



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Adult Ellie, Angst AF, Ellie will show up, Emotions, F/F, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbians, References to Depression, Slow Burn, amirite, eventually, everyone's queer, life sucks, non-canon compliant, obviously, very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-05-23 16:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14938031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/congejk/pseuds/congejk
Summary: After a tragic event leaves Maggie guilt ridden and unable to trust, she sets out to survive in a world infected. But a chance encounter unites her with Ellie, a well meaning girl trying to find her father figure, who’s suspicious disappearance brings Maggie on an adventure that teaches her how to love after the heart is stripped bare.





	1. Chapter 1

“No. no way in hell” Liv whispers harshly, keeping her voice low so the group of three, two men and one woman, can’t overhear us. I had been about to agree to their request when she had pulled me aside, dragging me probably ten feet away and fixing me with a glare so formidable it would make anyone else quiver in their boots.

Instead, I match her fierce expression, lifting an eyebrow “they’re _people_ , Olivia, they need help.” She knows I only call her by her full name when I’m serious. The three travellers had wandered into our campsite and seen our freshly hunted venison roasting on the fire. They’d told us they were starving, and needed strength to find their group, asking us to consider sharing our hunt.

To my girlfriend’s utter disbelief, I’d invited them to join us in a heartbeat, we’d shared a pleasant meal together, despite the icy disapproval raining down on me the entire time in the form of Liv’s glare.

“They’re strangers, Maggie” she huffs, “they could be infected, they could be bandits, we don’t know anything about them” she closes the distance between us and looks down at me, I see her eyes soften, I feel her palms come up and cradle my face. “I won’t put you in danger like that. I refuse to.”

I get a little lost in her chocolate eyes as she holds my gaze, pleading with me to let this go, to send the strangers on their way. I shake myself out of the state she puts me in “would you let them join you if I weren’t here?” I ask her, disbelieving.

She lets out a scoff “the only reason I’m even considering it is your ridiculous need to take care of every stray you meet” her face turns serious, and she places one hand on the small of my back, and another behind my neck, pulling me closer and burying her lips in my hair, gently kissing the top of my head. I know this move, it’s her last-ditch attempt to persuade me. She knows it makes me weak, but I know that it’s her last resort, that she’s close to giving in. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you” she continues, “I can’t lose you Mags”

I pull back and catch her eye, fixing her with a stern but sympathetic stare, “Humanity’s gone to shit, there are bad people out there. People who would abandon other people in need. I can’t be that person.” She stares at me for a few seconds, most likely gauging how committed to this decision I am, and how hard it would be to talk me out of it. A moment later she’s sighing in defeat, lifting my chin with her finger and leaning down to press a kiss to my lips.  
“Okay.” She gives in softly, I beam, and the hard lines of her face soften slightly.

We’re on the last leg of a supply run, we’ll be back in the settlement within the week, four days before we’re expected back. We’re one of a group of five teams sent to find medical supplies and other things we can’t produce on our own at the settlement. We’ve been gone for two weeks, it’ll be nice to be within the safety of the settlement again, in our modest little hut, surrounded by friends. We’ve done well, we found a stash of meds in an abandoned ruin that I made sure was abandoned, I didn’t want to steal medical supplies from someone who might be coming back for them. These would help the settlement, peace of mind in case of accidents or sickness.

Olivia and I have known each other since we were babies, she was born three years after the outbreak, and I was born 2 years after that. We were close growing up, she had a sister who was closer to my age, but Abby and I never got along as well as Liv and me.

Our mothers were friends in the quarantine zone in Chicago, and us three girls were inseparable. When their family moved out of the quarantine zone when I was 12 and Liv was 14, it was like a piece of me went with her. 3 years later, my parents became infected and were shot dead by the military in the quarantine zone, after that I lost all faith in the government’s protection.

I managed to leave, travelling on my own for nearly six months with no skills or combat knowledge, using avoidance tactics to keep myself alive. Until I ran into some trouble that brought me back my best friend. I ran astray of some clickers and was rescued by a group of kind hunters, they offered to bring me back to their settlement for food and a warm place to stay.

_Walking into the gate of the settlement made me feel uneasy, the large numbers of people reminded me of the quarantine zone that had claimed the lives of my parents, right in front of my eyes. ‘But this isn’t a government run zone’ I reminded myself ‘they’re a community.’_

_Suddenly, to my left, I hear a commotion and a familiar voice shouting. “wh--Maggie?... Maggie!” I turn at the sound of my name and am met with a dark blur and a crushing force that nearly knocks me off my feet. I can barely breathe when suddenly I’m pushed back and met with a face that I would recognise in a heartbeat, Long dark hair, dark almond shaped eyes the colour of chocolate. She’s a lot taller than when I last saw her, her face a little more defined, but it’s unmistakable. “Liv?” my voice is quiet with disbelief, she beams and pulls me back into another bone-crushing hug._

_“I’m so fucking glad you’re alive” she breathes, placing one hand on the small of my back and another behind my neck, placing a chaste kiss to the top of my head. I lean back to look at her with tears in my eyes, hands on her shoulders, to get a good look at her “when did you get so tall!?” I estimated that the top of my head barely reached past her chin._

_She grins down at me, “that’s not the only thing that’s changed pipsqueak” I can feel her flexing her biceps under my hands and I laugh pulling her in for a hug this time._

_A voice interrupts our reunion, “Liv, I’ve got multiple reports of you assaulting someone in th—” the voice stops short when Liv moves to reveal me to the newcomer “Maggie?! Where in gods name did you come from?” I’m swept into another hug, one gentler, but no less exuberant than the last. “Abby” I sigh with relief at embracing Liv’s sister, fighting a mouthful of familiar frizzy hair, “it’s so good to see you. I’m lucky your hunters are so kind, they helped me out with some infected, offered to bring me here.”_

_“Infected?” I’m swept out of Abby’s arms and held at arms-length by Liv, “what happened” she demanded, “are you hurt? Bitten?” she turns to Abby with eyes of steel “where’s Reagan? She should look her over.”_

_“Liv, I’m fine” I try to placate her, “your guys checked me, no bites, a few scrapes and bruises”_

_“maybe food first, then a visit to the doctors” Abby, ever the calm negotiator, even when we were kids._

_My dark featured best friend didn’t seem entirely placated, but uneasily agreed, trying to perform covert medical tests throughout dinner. I met Abby’s partner, Reagan, a cheery red-haired woman with delicate features who also happened to be the town doctor, who also kept shooting amused glances at Olivia’s worried fussing._

*****

Within a few months of my arrival Olivia and I were confessing our feelings for each other, it felt inevitable, like we were two pieces of the same puzzle fitting together. I’d been in the settlement with her for over two years now, at the ages of 20 and 22, we were as strong a couple as ever, despite our major personality differences. We were always in each other’s pockets, training together so often we knew every intricacy the other had to show. Our superb teamwork, and Liv’s insistence, meant that we were sent on missions together almost every time. The settlement, and Abby and Raegan and Nora, another close friend of ours, joked that our personalities balanced each other out, that’s what made us such a dream team.

******

After an afternoon of travel with our new companions, we stop to set up camp, it’s much quicker and easier with five people. I mention this to Liv with a massive shit-eating grin on my face, causing her to roll her eyes and smirk at me, placing a muscled arm over my shoulders, “I love when you get all high and mighty.” She places a kiss on the top of my head and moves to help one of our new friends, Kent, lift some firewood from the pile we’d accumulated. I let a secret smile grace my face as I get a good view of her ass.

An hour later we’re sitting in the warmth of the fire, my back pressed against Liv’s front. It looks like a sweet gesture, but it’s a compromise we’ve come to in light of sharing campfire light with strangers. Serving two purposes, this position allows her to keep me close and conceal a knife behind my back. She argues that it’ll be necessary if something goes sour and she doesn’t have time to pull out a weapon. The dark reason for the intimacy doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it, I trace patterns on one of the knees that frames me and take stock of our company.

Olivia and I don’t just differ in personality, we’re physically different. I’m about 5’5 and stand much shorter than her 6’0, even after she stopped growing I never caught up. Compared to her dark features and straight, long dark hair, I’m olive skinned, with green eyes and light, chestnut hair that falls in waves down my shoulders.

Liv is built solid, she’s brute force, while I’m a little more subtle, unassuming, and specialise in figuring people out. I take the opportunity of calm to take stock of the people we’ve whose company we’ve found ourselves in. Kent, in his early thirties, is a strange man, quiet. He’s more than willing to do his part and his gruff mannerisms seem off-putting at first. But the way that he looks at his wife and talks about the daughter they have waiting for them at home fills me with warmth.

Mina, the woman in the group and the wife of Kent, is soft but conveys great strength at the same time. A similar age to Kent, she reminds me of an older version of Liv. Black hair framing her face, and hard muscle coupled with warm eyes and soft features. She shows her gentle nature more openly than the currently stoic woman sitting behind me, but Liv’s soft caresses against my stomach as she holds me against her show me she’s the same soft Liv that she is when we’re alone.

The other man, Alex, is significantly younger than his companions. He has a goofy aura and has been a great source of amusement throughout the afternoon with his quips in conversation and general light humour. Every time he makes me laugh, Liv makes a show of kissing me, or throwing an arm over my shoulder. This often results in Alex stammering, looking uncomfortable and moving away, much to Liv’s amusement.

I feel myself beginning to nod off between the warmth of the fire and the warmth at my back. Soon a hand squeezes my side gently. “get some sleep Mags, I’ll be on watch” Liv whispers in my ear and I feel her grin against the shell of my ear as her arms tighten around me. Darkness claims me, and I feel safe.

 

*****

  
The next morning, we pack up camp and set off as a group. “We won’t be tailin’ you much longer” Mina makes conversation through the journey; her slight southern twang makes me feel warm.

 “You can stay with us as long as you’d like” I assure her, “god knows I appreciate the extra hands”

Liv chuckles from behind me, “don’t act like I don’t do majority of the work when it’s just us” over the course of the last two days of travel she’s begun to come out her shell, to trust, something I’m incredibly proud of.

I beam at her “what else are those muscles for?” She shakes her head but laughs good-naturedly.

“Either way, we’ll be going west in a ways’, prob’ly split apart some time tomorrow” Quiet Kent enters the conversation.

“That’s fine” I assure him, “you wouldn’t want to keep your daughter waiting” I reach over and grab Liv’s hand and she smiles fondly down at me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Alex’s eyes on our hands, he then looks at his feet, a frown on his face. My smile falters, but my hand is squeezed and I shoot a reassuring look at my best friend.

  
*****

  
That night, on account of breakfast and lunch that day, we’re out of venison from the kill Liv and I made a few days ago. A hunting party needs to go out to find something to eat, preferably finding something smaller and less time consuming to prepare than a deer.

Liv volunteers us for the job “Mags is a clear shot with a bow, she’s the hunter between us” she explains.

“Oh well that’s just perfect, Alex is learning to shoot a bow aren’t you honey?” Mina exclaims with delight, “why don’t you two go together, maybe Maggie can show him a few tips!” She turns to Liv, “and Olivia, Kent could use a hand with the firewood, why don’t you stay here and help with that?”

Liv colours, but I shoot her a look, and she instantly cools her expression, still looking uneasy. “I don—”“that sounds like a great idea” I smile “we don’t need three people hunting at once”

I’m on the receiving end of one of Liv’s signature glares but I ignore it, walking to her and pressing a firm kiss to her lips, “I love you, be nice.”

Her expression softens and she places one hand on the small of my back, one behind my neck and kisses me. Once on top of the head, once on the bridge of my nose and one placed firmly on my lips, “I love you.”

  
*****

  
Alex and I are walking back each holding two rabbits, I managed to improve his aim a little, but seemed proficient enough without my tutelage. We’ve been gone for probably about an hour and a half, and Alex has been acting noticeably shifty.

“So, you and Olivia seem like a pretty solid couple, that’s hard to find these days. How long have you two been together?” he asks, a hand rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

I raise an eyebrow and smile, trying to put him at ease “we’ve been best friends since we could crawl, but we reunited about two and a half years ago” I hum a little exasperatedly “sorry if she’s been a little intense, she’s protective, she insisted I learn to use a ranged weapon instead of close combat, keeps me out of danger she says.” He looks even more nervous at my words and I continue, unsure of what’s making him so uneasy. Maybe Liv said something to him, “she’s really sweet when you get to know her” I assure him.

I recognise a split tree trunk and know we’re almost back at camp, I think about warming myself by the fire but I’m startled when I hear a yell. Eyes wide, I race ahead and hear Liv’s voice. Pitched at a low growl, and the unmistakeable sound of pain laced through her tone, “Where the hell is she? what have you done with her?”

"Your partner is fine dear, we needed her out of the way. We’ve been watching you two for a while, you’re both skilled warriors.” I hear Mina’s southern twang and it doesn’t make me feel so warm anymore “the way you hover over each other, we needed to separate you, we need that medicine you’re carryin’, it’ll help the sick in our group, could save our daughter’s life.”

“We gave you the choice to hand it over, and ye declined” a gruff voice joined the conversation.

My eyes widen and I lurch forward, but I’m caught around the middle as a hand covers my mouth, muffling my screams, “I’m sorry” Alex’s voice sounds in my right ear. I fight to free myself but it’s no use, only a few yards away, I hear ragged breathing and the woman I love speaks.  
“I’m not negotiating with you bastards until I see her”

“that’s a shame” the gruff voice leaks with feigned sympathy, and a gunshot sounds. I scream against my attacker’s hand and my rage sends me into a frenzy. I’m pure instinct, the only thing on my mind is getting to Olivia and making sure she’s safe. My arms are restrained but I manage to pull the knife that Liv planted in my belt and shove it into Alex’s leg. He releases me with a strangled yell of pain and I yank the knife from his leg to stab him in the neck, the blood that spurts out of him makes it clear that I hit something vital.

I let his body slump to the floor and pull my bow from where it fell, replacing my knife in its sheath and notching an arrow at breakneck speed, bursting through the trees that open to reveal the camp. Liv, my Liv, looks limp laying on the ground by the fire, in my rage I send an arrow straight at Kent’s chest and he drops like a sack of bricks. Mina sees me and lets out an enraged roar that twists her soft features into unrecognisable fury, she takes up a knife and moves toward me, I move to notch another arrow and hear a crack. I feel pain split across my right shoulder. It comes from behind Mina and it occurs to me that they may have backup, they said they’d been watching us, how long, how many were there.

My thoughts almost catch me off guard and I barely move out of the way as Mina’s knife sails toward my injured shoulder. She’s trying to take it out of commission so that my strength, the bow, is unusable. She misses her target, but I feel the knife slice the skin of my forearm. I don’t intend to give her the chance for a second attempt. I take another arrow, pain screaming in my shoulder at the motion, and attempt to surprise her. Instead of notching the arrow, I bring the sharp end down toward her neck. She screams as my improvised weapon makes contact and blood spurts out of the wound at an alarming rate. I’m grateful for Reagan’s boring anatomy lessons now, I know just where to hit to be fatal.

Once I know she’s not getting up, I look towards Liv’s still body, moving to make my way to her I freeze, the gunman. Rolling at the last second to make myself a moving target, a bullet sails past me, barely missing my head. I’d almost forgotten about him. Noting where the shot came from I notch an arrow and shoot into the darkness, I hear metal hit wood. Cursing, I notch another arrow and listen, planting my body in front of Liv’s. I hope that the he sees me as the most imminent threat and leaves her be. I use a technique taught to me by Liv herself, planting my feel and closing my eyes, feeling the forest around me, listening for signs of life.

I know that if Liv were conscious she would lose her mind at me for closing my eyes on a battlefield, where a gunman could line up a shot at any second. But the reality is that I’m exposed in the light of the fire, and the dark surroundings hide my attacker. I’m running blind anyway, and I need to focus if I’m going to come out of this alive.

A tree rustles slightly in front of me and on this still night I know it can only be my target, I raise my bow and shoot the arrow where I sensed the disturbance, a loud thump sounds a second later. I grab the knife from my belt and run toward the source, I barely notice the hand reaching for my leg. It’s Kent, the arrow lodged in his chest, heaving as blood runs out of his mouth. Still on autopilot, I don’t hesitate to slide the knife across his throat, he won’t last much longer.

Continuing into the treeline I find a man, I place him somewhere in his mid-twenties with sandy coloured hair. He holds his leg, an arrow, my arrow is lodged deep in the skin of his thigh. I slam him against the tree he fell from, my adrenaline fuelled rage giving me more strength then I knew I had.

“how many are you!?” I demand, holding the knife against his throat, close enough to draw blood.

“four! I swear, there’s no one else!” he pleads, his face contorted in pain.

“if you’re lying to me—”

“I swear, I’m not” he has tears streaming down his face, mixing with snot. I jam the knife into his throat, into his main artery, dropping his still twitching body and walking away.

I should check that the other bandits are dead, to make sure they don’t catch me off guard, but my eyes are only for the woman laying limp by the fire. I rush to her side and lean over her, pushing her long, dark hair out of her eyes to reveal her angular face. Tears begin to rush down my face as I find her unresponsive, I lift her head and shoulders and place them in my lap. Leaning over her, I check the rest of her body for the wounds I know are there. I find a stab wound to her stomach, I’m hyperventilating as I trace the horrible jagged edge of the wound. I don’t notice dark almond eyes opening and tracing my face. A search of her chest finds a bullet hole, right over her heart, her skin is turning ashy from blood loss and I’m frantically trying to balance her body, while compressing the two wounds I know are fatal.

A hand touches my face and I start, looking to the face of the woman I love, she smiles weakly as I catch her eye.

 “Thank god you’re alive” she whispers, it looks like it takes humongous effort. “I love you. So much”

I begin to sob, breaths coming short, “Liv, please, I’ll get help, you’re gonna be fine. Don’t leave me, please” my thoughts are jumbled and racing as I work to stop the blood that coats my hands. At this point I don’t know if it’s hers, mine or our enemies.

Her grip on my jaw tightens and she tries to glare at me, her weak voice doesn’t match the idea of her that exists in my head “stop” she murmurs “are they all dead?”

 I falter “I-, I think—”

“make sure.” A deep, ragged breath in “grab what you can and go. Do you understand me? get yourself back to the settlement. Abby, Nora, they’ll take care of you”  
Her voice is growing weaker the more she talks and the blood that’s covering my hands begins to spill from her mouth.

“I’m not leaving you, _please_. I love you. don’t leave me”

I’m sobbing as I cling to her, I kneel for what feels like hours, feeling her heartbeat grow weaker. my face buried in her hair. Even when I can’t feel her heartbeat I refuse to let go, endless tears and murmurs of ‘I love you’ go unanswered.


	2. Chapter 2

I don’t know how long I sit, holding her now cold body, my cheek resting on her forehead and now silent tears streaming down my face. Her final request for me to run, to ensure my own safety goes unanswered. Instead, I ruminate on the dark thoughts that circle my brain over and over, going in circles as I stared at her cold eyes, once filled with warmth. I don’t bother to check the other bodies, if they were still breathing I would be dead already. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

After a long time, I stand, placing her body gently on the ground. I grab the small shovel that we use to dig the latrines. It’s no good for digging a grave but it’s the best I have, I’m not leaving her body here in the open, and I can’t take it anywhere. I begin to dig but digging leaves plenty of time for thinking, something I’m trying to avoid. I fight to keep my mind blank, refusing to think of her. I can’t stand to think of her cold and thinking about her warm makes me want to give up.

Then, I’m staring a shovel in my numb hands, covered in fresh blood and looking down at a four-foot deep hole, I barely remember digging it and I don’t know how long it’s taken me, I know I should dig it to six feet, that’s how deep most graves are dug, but the pain in my hands and the blood from my efforts makes the small shovel slippery in my hands. I throw it down and move to her, looking down at her face for the last time.

I bury her under a tree, once I’ve gathered enough supplies as I can reasonably carry I take Liv’s knife and take the time to carve something in the tree, I want to honor her, to leave some indication that this spot is special.

_Olivia,_

_The strongest soul_

_I’ve ever known._

I place the knife in my pack and set off in no particular direction, eyes unclear and mind racing.

*****

Four days later and I’m stumbling through the forest.  I look for wood that can be used to make more arrows, this keeps my mind busy while I walk. At night I make a fire and then use my knife to whittle the wood into sharp points. I don’t need arrows, and these are less effective than my metal tipped, properly made arrows. I often leave them by the remnants of my burning embers when I move on, often after a sleepless night. Any sleep I get is usually patchy and interrupted by nightmares.

I’m not used to being on my own, I haven’t been for a long time, Liv and I were always on scouting or resource gathering missions together.

On the first day, when I made camp, I remembered my wounds when they started to ache as I to tried to make a fire. I’d been so numb I’d barely noticed them. The gunshot had grazed me, but the knife wound was deep, with the right care, neither would be fatal. I used the medical supplies to clean and bandage them, as well as take care of the other forgotten scrapes and bruises.

On the second day I started puking when my mind gets stuck hearing the gunshot that caused her death, again and again. There’s vomit in my hair and it reminds me of her pulling my hair back after a night drinking with friends. I cleaned myself off, barely feeling the cold of the icy water.  I remembered what it was like being warm, it was warm when we were first reunited, how attached we were to each other already, after only a few weeks.

*****

_I’m wearing a light tank top in the summer heat, leaning against the fence surrounding the training grounds, watching Liv spar with some guy, one of the farmers I think. Everyone here learns how to defend themselves, I haven’t started because Olivia and I can’t agree on what I should specialise in. I want to learn to use knives, they’re versatile, they can be thrown from a distance_ and _used in close combat. She argues that I already have a head start with my bow, and I should focus on honing that skill first._

_A drop of sweat drips down my neck as I watch Liv, I’m not sure if it’s caused by the heat or how defined her muscles look due to her firm grip of the practice stick. I see her find an opportunity to sweep the guys feet from under him and he falls on his ass. The next second they’re both laughing as she helps him up. She looks over to me and her smile widens when she catches my eye, the guy catches his breath and says something to her, she nods and gets into position to begin again._

_“you know I used to have_ such _a crush on her before you got here?”_

_I jump at the voice next to me and turn slightly to see a girl leaning on the other side of the fence, eyes fixed on the couple sparring. She has short raven black hair and a tone of mischief in her eyes. I recognise her from around the settlement, but we’ve never spoken._

_“I’m sorry?” I balk._

_She turns to look at me “Your girlfriend.” one side of her mouth quirks up, “She hasn’t stopped looking at you since you got here, I gave up that dream pretty quick”_

_I can feel face grow even warmer “No—I mean, we’re just close friends” I stammer out “we, uh--we knew each other growing up”_

_I avert my eyes back to Olivia and see her faltering slightly in her movements, her eyes cutting over to us every now and then._

_I see the girls hand reach out “I’m Nora.”_

_I reach to shake her hand, allowing a smile “Maggie, nice to meet you.”_

_We both relax into our original positions, leaning against the fence, watching the practice grounds._

_“So” she starts, tone casual “You’ve been here a few weeks now, gonna start training in anything anytime soon?”_

_I take my eyes off of Liv’s sparring session to engage in the conversation. “Well, I_ was _thinking knives, but Liv’s gunning for the bow, she thinks I’d make a good hunter”_

_“tryin’ to keep you away from the action huh?” she smirks a little and moves closer “you know, I could teach you knives, they’re my specialty”_

_A thump distracts us from the conversation and we both turn to see Liv laying on her back, groaning, her sparring partner laughing as she flips him the bird. She takes his offered hand and then shakes it, then turns her attention back to us as she starts for our direction, moving hastily with a neutral expression._

_I feel my face lift into a smile as she approaches and hear a snort of amusement from my left and turn to see Nora walking away. I hear a muttered, “That didn’t take long” and then a louder, “Was nice to finally meet you.”_

_Liv reaches me a second later and leans her elbow on the fence, facing me “Hey, what’d_ she _want?” she asks, her brows furrowed, and her tone screaming of false indifference._

_“she was just introducing herself, offered to teach me some stuff with knives” I nudge her with my elbow “that was cool though, maybe I should learn to use a machete like you”_

_She scoffs and shakes her head, “Yeah, in your dreams” she looks back where Nora disappeared and then back at me again, her expression softening “I’m glad you’re here Mags.”_

_My eyes crinkle with my smile and I nudge past her, “Come on, let’s get something to eat” I take her hand in mine and her eyes widen, letting me pull her toward the food hall._

*****

I make camp for the night, lighting a fire and using the wooden arrows I’d made the night before as kindling. The tears start again as I skin the rabbit I’d chanced upon earlier; my shoulder twinges and from using my bow but my movements are mechanical. They no longer distract me from the chocolate eyes I’m trying so hard not to think about. I know that I’m surviving because she wants me to. I caused her death, so fulfilling part of her last request is the least I can do.

I’ve been wandering aimlessly, I have no idea which direction I’m going.  I won’t go back to the settlement. I can’t look Abby in the eye and tell her that her sister’s dead, because I was stupid, too trusting. That I convinced her to let strangers join us, and that she was right not to trust them, that she died because she listened to me.

I scrub my hand under my eye and sniff to clear my nose, then I realise I’ve smeared my cheek with the rabbit blood that coats my fingers and I and swear under my breath, wiping my face with my dirty sleeve. There’s no one to tell me if I got it all off but I don’t much care.

Once the meat is roasting over the fire and my hands are clean, there’s nothing to distract me. I stop to think of how angry I was when I heard that gunshot. I’ve never been a violent person, never intentionally wanted to cause someone pain. I’d been pretty lucky so far that I hadn’t had to kill many people, those I did kill were mostly infected. But the bloodlust that came over me when I heard Liv’s desperate voice, searching for me, made me see red.

I pull out my bow, tracing over its light, sturdy frame, my fingers probing the familiar divots.

 

*****

_I groan and flop onto my back, sore and hot, my muscles ache from all the training I’ve been doing. I haven’t felt this sore since I stopped having bad hunting days, when my arms would get sore as I desperately tried to shoot something to eat. My aim eventually got better and the bad days became fewer and further between, but now Liv was insisting that I build up my arm strength with the training bows which, built for this purpose, were heavier and harder to hold drawn than anything I’m used to._

_Speaking of Liv, she’d allowed me to take a break and said she’d forgotten something, moving down the hill we used to train and back toward home. This place had open space that was great for shooting, it also had great visibility and was close enough to the settlement to stop us from getting caught off guard by bandits or infected. I’d been here about two months now and training almost every day for three weeks, pushing the limits of my strength more and more each day, I could already feel myself growing stronger._

_Liv and I were near inseparable, we trained together, ate together, and I lived in the little hut shared by her, Abby and Reagan. We shared a bed, but this was more due to spatial reasonings, besides, we’d shared beds back when we were kids. But I couldn’t deny that the familiar feelings of best friendship were igniting into something much more._

_Nora and I had become close friends as well, despite Liv’s disgruntled reactions during most of our interactions. I make an effort to ensure her that she’s not being replaced, and her brow usually relaxes and I get the smile that makes me feel butterflies in my stomach._

_I hear muffled footsteps against grass approaching and sit up. Squinting my eyes against the light of the sun reveals Olivia, she looks a little nervous, her hands held behind her back._

_I stand, eyebrows raised and watch her as she looks around shiftily, “what’s up, twitchy?” I tease her lightly._

_She pulls her hands from behind her back to reveal a bow, it’s made with dark brown wood and riddled with imperfections, but still beautiful. She hands it to me and I take it, it’s far lighter than my practice bow, but heavy enough to feel powerful, I run my fingers over the divots in the crudely carved wood and look up at her._

_“What’s this?”_

_She places a hand on the back of her neck and averts her eyes, it’s strange to see my tall, confident best friend acting so nervous._

_“I finished it yesterday—well, I had help, but, I wanted to surprise you” she scoffs and holds her hand over her face. “I just, I wanted to show you how glad I am that you’re here, and you’ve been working so hard, and thought you might want to use your own bow, but like—a better one—” she looks up suddenly, looking panicked “not that yours isn’t good or anything! I just, I care about y—” her rambling stops abruptly as she places a closed fist over her mouth, her eyes wide, “oh my god I’m so bad at this”_

_My heart starts to race as I process her words, my heart thumping in my chest “you made this?” I ask in soft amazement, my eyes tracing the rough wood of the bow, taking in its dark brown colour._

_“I had help, the weapons guy checked it, and the hunters, it’s a little rough but it works—well—it’s functional.”_

_She looks worried about my reaction. I shake my head and move toward her, getting on my tiptoes to pull her into a hard kiss. I feel her stiffen, then her mouth responds, returning the kiss with enthusiasm. The tension seems to bleed out of her body and she relaxes, an arm going around my waist to pull me closer, her other hand reaching up to cradle my face. I relax as well, relieved that I didn’t just mess everything up._

_I lean back and smile at her, “This is incredible, I love it.”_

_At my words she relaxes fully and pulls me back to her again, her cheek resting on the top of my head, she places a kiss in my hair and traces my jawline with her thumb “can we keep doing that please?”_

_I laugh and nod, but pull away, placing a kiss on her cheek. “Later though, I_ need _to try this out” I grab my quiver of arrows from the ground next to where I was laying earlier and notch one, aiming for the targets we’ve got set up on the trees about 35 feet from where we’re standing._

_“I thought you were tired” she argues, “you said your arms hurt from all the strength training we did today” there’s a smile in her voice as her arms wrap around my waist from behind and her lips connect with my neck._

_I falter and lower the bow, only to steel my resolve and aim again, loosing the arrow and watching it hit the target, it hits the second ring and my eyebrows lift in surprise._

_“you’re getting better” Liv praises, hands now resting on my hips._

_I note that the bow feels amazing and natural, light but powerful. I smile and start moving forward to retrieve the arrow but her hands are moving back around my waist stop me from going any further. I turn in her arms and she grins down at me, I smile back, and the butterflies light up my stomach again. She leans down and kisses me, and my heart skips a beat as I wrap my arms around her neck._

_We stay out until the sky begins to darken as I attempt to practice with my new bow and she tries to distract me. I feel less like a girl lost in dangerous world and more like a young woman falling in love._

_****_

I eat my meal with tears streaming down my face, the silence is overwhelming. I prepare some leftover meat to dry and don’t even bother to set out my mat for sleeping. Like usual, I simply roll over and go to sleep, preparing for the nightmares that haunt me to visit once again.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun is beginning to set, shining in my eyes as I walk, I contemplate changing directions just to eliminate the annoyance.

I’ve been travelling for about a week, still with no direction, I have no idea where I am or where I’m going. I contemplate stopping and setting up camp before dark but I want to postpone being alone with my thoughts and the stillness.

After walking for another half hour or so I come across a relatively small river and stop, I need to fill my canteen, it’s hard to know when I’m going to come across a water source again.

I look around and see a few abandoned buildings a ways off, I ignore them and kneel down to the river. As I restock my water supply I notice a silver flash in the water, it’s a fish, as soon as I notice one I see three more out of the corner of my eye.

My eyes widen in surprise, the lure of a fish dinner is tempting, I’m getting sick of the same meal of fresh or dried rabbit every morning and night. I look around and find the spot to be an acceptable place to camp. I place my pack on the ground and kneel again at the edge of the river, pulling out my wooden arrows, these are better suited for a task like this. Once I get my bearings I stand and watch the fish for a while, memorising the way they move.

I take a deep breath in and aim at one of the fish, breathing out as I release the arrow. I miss. The arrow thunks onto the soft bottom of the riverbed but momentum brings it bobbing back up to the surface. it moves downstream with the current of the water, away from me, far too quickly for me to bother going after it. I blink solemnly and sigh, pulling another arrow out of my pack.

I try again and again, each time I watch my arrow float down river, I find myself getting more and more frustrated. My arrows come faster, and my aim gets sloppier.

“Fuck” I manage through my clenched teeth, I pull out another of my quickly dwindling arrow supply and ready my bow. I plant my feet firmly and breathe out, trying to loosen my tense muscles, I breathe in as I draw the bow and hold it.

 

*****

 

_The hands resting on my hips are firm, no nonsense. I’m submerged up to my ankles in the freezing water, there are large fish swimming lazily around them, and a voice in my ear._

_“Concentrate” Liv tells me for the fourth time in almost as many minutes “memorize the patterns, then draw your bow and breathe in”_

_I do as she tells me, but it’s hard to concentrate with her so close, her scent filling my head and making my brain go fuzzy._

_Nora calls over from where she’s draped herself over a large rock formation, watching us, “It might be hard for her to concentrate when you’re taking her from behind like that!”_

_A snort of laughter bursts out of me and Liv sighs in frustration, but a chuckle escapes her a second later. She grabs hold of my shaking shoulders and tries to keep them still._

_“come on! you were doing so well” I can hear the smile in her voice so I know she’s not really annoyed. I tilt my head up to look at her and pout._

_“I haven’t even come close” I whine, “Why can’t we just use a net or something?”_

_“If you need to survive you might not always have a net, you’re more likely to have your bow” she leans down and kisses me on the forehead then straightens up, “I know you can do it.”_

_I feel her turn slightly to fix Nora with what I assume is an icy stare. “_ Stop _distracting her or I’ll come over there and make you.”_

_“Ooh! Very frightening” Nora grins “I’ll write that down.”_

_I roll my eyes at their bickering and focus on concentrating. I draw the bow and become as still as possible, after about thirty seconds I fix my eyes onto a large, silver fish. I try to judge its speed, how it moves, and where it’s going. I breathe out as I let the arrow free and watch as the fish is speared._

_My eyes are wide and I whoop after a second of astonished silence “did you see that?!” I ask as I grab the arrow with the fish on the end and turn to show it to Liv “look at this! I did it!”_

_“I knew you could do it baby” her smile is full and proud as she leans to press a kiss to my lips, I beam back at her._

 

_****_

 

I loose the arrow and a fish is pinned to the floor of the riverbed. I blink in surprise and it takes me a few seconds to process what happened. I kneel down to pull the arrow from the bottom and clean the river mud off of the fish in silence.

Once a fire has been started and my meal is roasting over the fire I sit and ruminate. I need a plan, I can’t just keep going in random directions forever, hoping for something to happen. I take the time to make more arrows, I lost most of my wooden ones in my fishing expedition this afternoon and I’m starting to run low on my good, metal tipped arrows.

I think of the medicine in my pack, I feel bad, like I’ve stolen it from people. Good people who have done so much for me. I should go back and return it, leave it outside the gates, but I could get caught. Aside from Abby, Reagan, and Nora I don’t have many friends at home. When I first got there, I only really stayed because of Liv. Sometimes it still felt like that, like I was there because I knew her. I know Abby wouldn’t be sympathetic to me killing her older sister, and as a result, neither would Reagan.

As I lean forward to turn the fish I look up to see a form appear in the darkness across the fire.  I freeze in alarm and reach for my bow.

“hey it’s cool” a voice chuckles.

A man materializes out of the darkness and me gives a disarming smile. He’s typically handsome, with a five o’clock shadow and fluffy brown hair. And a shotgun around his torso. I don’t say anything, just keep a blank expression, staring him down.

“I don’t want any of your food, I have some of my own. But it’s late and I don’t wanna try and make a fire in the dark, mind if I share your warmth stranger?” he comes a little closer in the light, he’s built, and I notice several sheathed knives down his cargo pant legs.

He follows my gaze and chuckles good-naturedly “skinning knives, fer’ huntin”

All the frustration from my travels and fishing failures makes me too tired to argue and I nod stiffly. Everyone has weapons these days, you’re an idiot if you travel unarmed, it doesn’t mean anything. I can almost hear Liv screaming at me from beyond the grave for letting strangers share my camp when I’m alone, when she’s not there. I don’t care, I’m too exhausted, I wipe my eyes as tears threaten to spill.

He nods gratefully and sits on the other side of the fire, away from me, I think he can sense that I’m still uneasy. He pulls out some cooked meat and moves to warm it up by the fire, then leans back and gives me a look over.

I know I’m probably filthy and I must be looking thin, he’s probably got just as much reason to be afraid of my wild appearance as I am of him.

“you’re not looking so good, been in a scrape or somethin’?” he narrows his eyes “you aint’ infected, are you?”

I shake my head “I’m not infected.” 

He nods and his face relaxes “that’s good. Can’t be too careful these days” he blinks and looks more concerned “somethin’ happen to you?”

 _“_ who hasn’t had something happen to them” I reply blankly, evading the question. I don’t want to provoke this stranger by explaining what happened, telling him I killed four people in a rage induced frenzy.

He lets out a breathy laugh “fine, I won’t pry.”

I nod gratefully and kneel forward to check the fish, it looks done, so I pick up the stick it’s skewered on and dig in using my fingers to make sure I avoid the bones. I can’t help but let out a little sound of satisfaction at the rich taste, eating the same thing every day really did a number on me.

It’s only after I’m finished eating that my eyes start to feel heavy, good food and warmth are making me sleepy. As I drift off I find I’m not even worried about the stranger sitting eight feet away from me.

 

*****

 

I wake to the sound of shuffling and a masculine voice “Shit!” As I open my eyes blearily there’s some more frantic rustling, a loud thump and the sound of running fading into the distance. Its silent for a few seconds and then another sound chills me to my core.

Clicking.

I shoot into a sitting position and cringe at the noise it makes, I look around and see two clickers making their way to my position. They’re coming from the abandoned buildings I saw earlier and I curse myself, how stupid could I be to not check them. I should have distanced myself from them completely, buildings spell trouble, especially with no one to watch your back. Its still dark, and the embers from the fire are dying out, so visibility isn’t in my favor.

I know that the guy from before has run, left me to the metaphorical wolves. He probably hoped I would serve as a distraction as he got to safety.

I spot my pack laying about five feet way from me, certainly not where I’d left it. I inch forward, trying remain silent. Then, a frightening series of clicks sounds much closer. I freeze, hand stretched towards my pack, and turn my head to the source. Another clicker emerges from behind a tree to my left, only about ten feet from me. I put a hand over my mouth to stifle the sound of my ragged breathing, my heart is beating so fast that I’m sure the monster can hear it.

I turn to look at my pack, I contemplate leaving it where it is but I know what’s inside could save my life. I already have my bow slung over my shoulders, but my arrows, the medicine, and Liv’s knife are in there, that decides it.

I reach out again to grab it, it makes minimal noise as I lift it. With an incredible sense of hearing, the clicker lifts its head quickly and my heart stops. My eyes hurt from being held open so wide, desperately trying to take in as much information as they can in the darkness. I reach into the side pocket of the pack and pull out my knife, taking one careful step away from the clicker.

The other two are approaching fast, close enough that a scuffle will attract them. I contemplate shooting one of them with an arrow but I don’t think I can get my arrows out of the pack and my bow ready without alerting the one closest. It’s gone back to walking slowly through the general area, clicking as it goes, thankfully it’s moving away from me. I see the feathered tip of an arrow sticking out of my pack and close my eyes, replacing my knife in the sheaf attached to my belt, I pull my bow from around my shoulders and place the arrow gently in position. The string is pulled tight in my hand and I’m amazed at how quietly I can do it. I aim for the clicker furthest away, I would estimate 65 feet, take a deep breath and shoot.

The arrow strikes the clicker in the head and it lets out a bloodcurdling scream, the other clickers turn and sprint toward the source of the screaming. I stop myself from breathing out a sigh of relief and turn, but I’m so nervous and jumped up on adrenaline that I can’t stop myself from sprinting in the opposite direction. I run for a few seconds when suddenly I’m on the ground, my head pounding, vision blurry. I hear another high-pitched, inhuman scream, interrupted by erratic clicks, but it’s multiplied. I don’t know if it’s due to the incoherent fuzziness currently plaguing my head or if all three of them have been alerted to my presence.

I shake my head and look at my feet seeing a rock jutting out of the ground that must have caused my fall, the next second there’s the sound of jerky footsteps coming my way, approaching far too fast. I turn so I’m lying on my back and pull my knife from my belt, I try to get up but the next second I’m pushed back into the hard ground. I have the foresight to place my arm that isn’t holding the knife between me and the clicker, but its heavy body almost crushes me.  I use the knife and jam it into the clickers head, I struggle to pull it out against the dying screams and jerking of the grotesque mass above me, and then jam it in again. Once its pulled out I push the twitching body off of me and scramble up, pulling my pack with me.

My head is still pounding and I almost run straight into another clicker, which gnashes its teeth at me, almost connecting. I don’t want to risk putting my hand so close to its mouth so I run rather than attempting to fight. I can hear two pairs of erratic footsteps running after me and I know I won’t be able to keep this up.

I pull my pack to my front and pull out an arrow, drawing my bow while I’m running, I look behind me and see the clickers following close behind me at a dead sprint. I aim and shoot at the one closest and I miss, the arrow goes far to the left and disappears into the darkness. A sob of frustration leaves my body and I move to grab another arrow out of the pack. As a result of my inattention I trip, I feel my ankle twist unnaturally and feel something enter my abdomen on the right side.

I don’t have time to think about it now and spin my body around, drawing the arrow with all my strength. One of the clickers is almost upon me and I waste no time shooting the arrow into its brain. It stops abruptly and falls the ground in front of me, the screaming makes my brain feel like it’s bleeding.

The last clicker, which no doubt had been distracted by my missed arrow, is almost upon me. I pull out my knife as it trips on the heap of screaming fungi and flesh laying in front of me, coming at me full force. I shove my knife into its chest and use all the strength I have to push it backwards, it recovers quickly, but I have enough time to focus myself. It propels itself toward me once more, savage, with fluids spraying out of its screaming mouth. I plunge the knife into its skull, again and again, before its teeth can find purchase in my flesh.

I waste no time shoving the now weakly clicking creature away from me. I don’t bother to check that they’re dead, I know they won’t be getting up. Adrenaline and panic still plagues me and I don’t know what other people or infected might have heard the commotion, I turn and run.

 

*****

 

I run for hours, only when I start feeling lightheaded do I stop, I don’t know why I kept running even when the danger had passed. Maybe it’s how close I came to dying, maybe I’m realizing how alone I am, that I’ve lost everything. I stop and fall to my knees and place my head in my hands, my hands feel wet, I didn’t even know I was crying, I pull my hands away from my face and look, only to see red coating my fingers.

I look down and the wound in my stomach is bleeding profusely, I take a minute to look into it and pull out a small, sharp stone. I blink at it stupidly and shake my head, I knew I made a mistake, you’re not supposed to take those things out. I drop the rock and hold a hand to the wound, placing my other hand over my pounding head, limping forward on my positively sprained ankle. I’m trying my hardest not to collapse as the adrenaline wears off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie finally comes in in the next chapter :)


	4. Chapter 4

I stumble into a clearing of trees, leaning on a particularly gnarled looking one. Surveying the area, I can hear a small stream running across the far end. I strain my eyes to see another, much sturdier looking tree about ten paces away, perfect for resting. After running all night, or at least quickly limping with adrenaline added in, those ten paces seem like miles. I pause for a few seconds to catch my breath, I look around, eyes searching for danger.

Nothing seems out of the ordinary, but the darkness makes me uneasy. It might deter humans, but infected don’t mind the dark, I need to watch my jerky steps in case there are any nearby to hear me. The smell of my blood is already playing on my mind, I need to clean my wounds quickly or I could become a beacon for all the infected in the area. Adjusting my bow against my back, I run my fingers over the uneven wood for comfort, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, preparing for the journey insurmountable in my mind.

As I push off and walk a couple of steps, pain lances across my ankle and I hiss, my arm subconsciously shooting to my leg. The older wound in my shoulder, sore from using my bow to catch fish the day before, twinges and I freeze at the pain.

I think for a moment that I just want to lay down where I am, but that’s close enough to giving up that I shake the thought off. I gather my thoughts and take another step, my breathing already laboured from this short exertion. Its clear that the adrenaline has well and truly worn off, the promise of a place to rest causing my body to relax, much to my detriment. A few more steps and I’m more than halfway there, I want to stop but there’s nothing to hold onto. I’ve never felt this weak in my life, or maybe I have, but I always had someone to help me through it, I always had her.

I shake my head of the thought and take another deep breath, an owl hoots somewhere close by and I’m startled. My bow, strung with an arrow is in my arms like instinct, like breathing. I recognise there’s no threat but ride the adrenaline wave the scare gave me and stumble, no, fall the last few steps, barely making in to the tree. I have to turn around and scoot to rest my back against the rough bark. It’s not comfortable by any means, but the security I feel from having something strong and solid against my back is still a patch of relief that soothes me.

With my bow resting across my lap, the arrow in close reach, I grab my pack and swing it around to my front. I pull out my full canteen, resting on the side, only now that my body is resting do I realise how dehydrated I am. The stream is running quietly to my left, about three feet away, and I sigh with relief as I take a long drink of. Once the canteen is half-drained I drag myself to the side to fill it, washing my hands and face of blood while I’m there. With my full canteen I scoot back to rest against the tree, making sure that my left leg keeps as still as possible.

 Once I’m settled, I spend a few long moments catching my breath. I open the pack and swear, it’s almost completely empty, that chicken-shit asshole stole my meds. I notice he left a few pieces of the dried rabbit that I had stored away, nice of that jerk to leave me _something,_ I scoff sarcastically. After a thorough search I come up with a few dirty bandages in the bottom of the pack, I close my eyes and gently lean my head back against the tree, sighing and letting out a frustrated breath. I tell myself it’s better than nothing.

Placing my pack down next to me I pull my shirt up on the right side and look down at the wound that’s been ailing me for hours, it doesn’t look particularly deep, but any exposed wound not properly cleaned can spell death. I brace myself and pour some water over the bloody mess.

“Shit!” I clench my teeth as the sting reverberates through my entire being. My eyes are shut so tight it hurts and I breathe heavily for a few seconds, the pain begins to numb and I continue, using my hands to clear the wound and the area around it of blood, dirt and debris.

Once the wound is relatively clean, or at least appears to be, I reach for the yellowed bandage resting on my pack. As I prepare to wrap it around my middle there’s a rustling from somewhere in front of me. In half a second my bow is in my hands with the arrow notched and pointed in the direction of the noise. My eyes peer into the darkness, heart pounding in my ears. It might be an animal, a human, or infected, each can be as dangerous as the last.

“Whoa, hey! Don’t shoot, okay?” the voice sounds decidedly female, but I should know that doesn’t make a difference. Anyone can be as dangerous as anyone else given the right level of desperation. I also know better than anyone that the world is full of superb actors.

A girl steps out of the treeline with her hands up. She has a young-looking face, looks about my age, maybe a few years younger. Her body is well built and there’s a tattoo covering her right forearm, the details are hard to make out in the low light of the moon. She sees where my gaze is directed and her right fist clenches slightly, but she doesn’t lower her arms. I keep my face blank, “What do you want?” I ask, I keep my voice low but clear, making sure my voice carries across the space. I keep my arrow pointed directly at her heart.

“You’re hurt” she gestures slightly with her hands still raised, and I can tell she’s tense “that bandage won’t help, might make it worse, actually. Especially if it doesn’t get cleaned properly”

I feel my shoulder start to twinge from holding the bow taut too long but I keep my expression blank, refusing to show this stranger weakness. I nod towards my pack “I don’t have anything, you can check, but I got cleaned out.”

She looks confused for a minute but takes a step closer, my eyes narrow and my fingers tense on the bow, she notices and I see her falter. “I have medical supplies, I can help you” she says under a guise of calm, placating.

“I don’t need any help.” I say simply, “Leave.”

Her mouth opens slightly, then closes, like she’s unsure how to respond. “I—” I interrupt her.

“I told you I don’t have anything, there’s some food but not much, you can check for yourself” I use my good leg to push my pack away from me and closer to her, “take it and leave.”

“You’re not gonna shoot me if I move right?” she hesitates. I can tell she’s trying to appear calm but her body language betrays her. I relax the bow but keep the arrow notched and ready to shoot, facing the ground but ready to be used in a second if she tries anything.

I shake my head subtly and use the readied bow to gesture to the pack “all yours.”

She frowns again and lowers her hands, taking a few small, cautious steps. She’s tense, approaching me like I’m a wounded animal that could strike at any second. She gets down on one knee, with her elbow resting on the other for support. She picks up my pack, opening it and looking through it for a few seconds, pulling out some of the meat.

Then, in an unexpected turn of events, she holds it out to me, a slight but warm smile on her face, “you should eat.” My eyebrows lift in surprise and my eyes move from the outstretched food in her hand to her and back again. “It’s yours you know, so you know it’s not poisoned” she chuckles, smile still in place.

“What are you doing?” I ask incredulously, not moving to take the offered food.

She lowers her hand and looks and the ground around her, “mind if I sit?” she asks, then without waiting for a response, lowers herself to the ground, putting the food back in my pack as she does. She pulls a pack of her own from behind her back and starts to rifle through it.

My eyebrows furrow and my hold tightens on the bow, she’s one sudden move away from me planting an arrow in her eye.

“Here it is!” she exclaims, louder than I was expecting, and pulls out a small box that looks like a first aid kit. I start at the volume of her voice before she can blink my bow is aimed directly at her neck.

“Whoa, hey I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten you” she says with wide eyes, lifting her hands up again, the med pack still in her right hand.

I narrow my eyes, trying to get my slightly elevated breathing and pounding heart back under control, “I wasn’t frightened, you startled me.” I look to the med pack in her raised arms, and shake my head “what the _hell_ are you doing? I told you to leave.”

“You’re injured, I’m not leaving you here” she narrows her eyes slightly in determination.

“So, you’re gonna waste valuable medical supplies on me?” I demand, my voice hard. “with nothing in it for you.”

She grins slightly, “They’re medical supplies, used for medical reasons, I wouldn’t consider that a waste” she’s still tense “hey, could you stop pointing that thing at me, you sure know how to make a girl nervous” she chuckles stiffly, looking down at the point of my arrow and then back to my face.

I lower the bow again, slowly. She breathes out an exaggerated sigh of relief and grins at me again, “Thanks” she seems much more relaxed than before, and opens the med pack, pulling out a bottle of clear liquid, a roll of bandages, and some sterile wipes. She looks over at me “My names Ellie, by the way” I nod and she stares at me, expectant.

I stay silent and she huffs out a laugh “Anyone ever tell you you got trust issues?”

I look to the side in annoyance, “Maggie.” I say, stilted.

She nods, looking happy enough, “Nice to meet you, suspicious Maggie, mind if I get a fire going? Sun’ll be up in a bit but it’s too dark to get you cleaned up right now” she uses her head to gesture to the pale light of the moon.

I nod and with my approval to move freely she gets to work starting a small fire, soon there’s a warm glow engulfing us. I feel my body start to relax against my will in response to the warmth, exhaustion setting in. Ellie nods in approval at her efforts and returns her attention to the medical supplies she’s pulled out.

“I should really clean that thing properly” she says, grabbing the bottle of clear liquid and the wipes, gesturing to the wound I was attending to before she interrupted. I nod slightly, and lift my shirt up again, never taking my eyes off her hands. I know this is going to hurt.

She scoots closer and moves out of the way so that her shadow doesn’t get in the way of her newfound light source, peering at the gash “that’s nasty, how’d it happen?” she looks up at my face as she tips antiseptic onto the cloth in her hand.

“I fell, got a rock stuck in there.” I murmur, aware of her proximity. Close up, and with a new light source flickering brightly in front of us, I can now make out a smattering of freckles across her face and a scar over her right eye.

“Damn, that sounds like a bitch” she turns her attention back to the wound and I tense. She notices and smiles tightly, “Guess I don’t have to warn you that this is gonna suck, huh?”

I take a deep breath, “I can handle it.”

The side of her mouth lifts slightly, “I’m sure you can, trigger finger.” Her voice is low and gravely as she looks down again, preparing to disinfect it, clearly fighting an amused smile.

I flush at the nickname and then suddenly there’s a blinding sting in my side and I fight to control a full body recoil at her touch, a sharp hiss escapes my clenched teeth despite my effort to remain composed and I see her grimace.

“Shit, I’m sorry” her movements get slightly panicked as she speeds up, seemingly trying to get the job done as quick as she can.

I close my eyes at the pain.  After about thirty seconds of frantic cleaning, she removes the antiseptic and leans down to examine the now clean wound, lightly prodding it. She nods, seemingly satisfied. “It’s not too deep, should heal up nicely. You’ll definitely have a scar though, you doin’ okay?”

I nod, catching my breath “Thanks.” I feel my eyes begin to get heavy with the sudden absence of the intense pain and the warmth of the fire, but I catch myself, jerking my head up and shaking it lightly to keep me from falling asleep.

“Wasn’t expecting a thank you, very polite” she teases, looking surprised, but pleased. “I don’t have anything on me for stitches, but let me bandage that, _then_ you can get some sleep” she moves back to her pack and retrieves the roll of bandages that she picked out earlier. It wasn’t worth mentioning that there was no way in hell I would be falling asleep next to a stranger again any time soon.

I watch her as she glances at my torso and estimates how much bandage she needs, “shouldn’t need more than one roll, you’re slender. Oh, that reminds me.” She reaches for my pack and again, holds a piece of dry meat out to me. “Eat, it’ll help with the healing process” her face lifts into a smile as I take the food this time, staring at her suspiciously.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask, scrutinising.

She laughs and takes a piece for herself, chewing and swallowing before answering. “I’m looking for someone I care about, and I’m trying to make decisions I think he would be proud of” she looks thoughtful for a second and then shakes herself, moving closer to me as she finishes the piece of meat in her hand. I look down to avoid the close proximity and take a bite of mine as well.

“Hard part’s over, this shouldn’t hurt too much” she gets to work, then looks up at me, “So, you got a group? Somewhere you’re heading?”

I stare past her, into the darkness of the forest around us “No.”

I won’t look at her, my voice is flat and I can feel her gaze boring into me as I fight the beginning of tears. I try to change the subject as she finishes tying the bandage, not too loose, not too tight. Not surprising, basic first aid is a skill most people have to master. I take another bite of my food and try make conversation that doesn’t involve me “this someone you’re looking for, a boyfriend? Husband?”

She huffs out a laugh, and my gaze shoots over to her. She plants her butt on the ground and grabs another piece of meat, “more like a father figure actually, got caught up with him when I was fourteen” she grins at me “why, you interested?”

“In you? or your _dad_?” I deadpan sarcastically. She snorts and I stare at her in disbelief “Anyone ever tell you that you have a distinct _lack_ of trust issues”

She sobers up, “I have trust issues, but you don’t strike me as particularly dangerous. Especially with how snuggly you look right now” she finishes with a grin, trying to keep the mood light.

I realise that my clean and warm body has relaxed almost entirely, sinking into itself and I jerk up, lifting my hands to rub at my eyes, running a palm over my face.

“You can get some rest you know, I’ll keep watch”

“If you think I’m falling asleep, you’re insane” I narrow my eyes when she gives me a concerned look.

She sighs, rubbing her face with her hand “I’m not gonna do anything to you, you know, you need sleep or your body won’t heal”

I stare her down silently. This is instinct, I can barely control my stubborn brain. When I slow down to think about letting my guard down all I see is the light leaving Liv’s eyes as I hold her in my arms, covered in her blood, our enemy’s blood. Digging her grave and knowing that I couldn’t return to the settlement now. Because it was my fault, my choice that caused this to happen. If I’d listened to her, if I hadn’t been so damn trusting, she might still be here, she might not have been caught unawares. I wouldn’t need to face Abby and tell her that her only sister was dead because of me.

I blink back tears and look away, into the darkness, trying to concentrate on focusing my eyes, stopping the tears, not showing weakness. Despite my effort a tear escapes and I hurriedly wipe it away. “fuck” I mutter under my breath, I fiddle with the bow still in my lap, feel the curves and divots in the wood to calm down.

“Oh, hey” she leans forward as she notices my tears, her face alarmed, “you alright? Did I say something?”

I shake my head, “No, it’s not you” I breathe out a defeated sigh, sensing that the tears are done. She relaxes again but continues to stare at me, like she’s trying to puzzle me out. We sit in silence for a while, and I can feel the heavy blanket of sleep trying to pull me under, no matter how hard I try to stay awake. After a certain point I’m so damn tired that I just stop caring, letting darkness pull me under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally she arrives, probably out of character, but we're not really sure what she's like as an adult yet so..


	5. Chapter 5

Abby stares down at the map in front of her, eyes tracing the route her sister was supposed to be taking with furrowed brows. Her girlfriend, Reagan, stares at her taut face with open concern. Seeking to reassure her, for another time, Reagan straightens up and moves to speak. But before she can get a word out there’s a throat clearing and a head poking through the door, it’s one of the lookouts, his gaze shifts between the two women nervously and it’s clear that it’s not exactly good news.

“The fourth team just got back, Michael and Jen.” He looks sympathetic, he knows this isn’t the news they’re waiting to hear.

“Thanks Joaquim” Reagan nods in his direction, dismissing him. He gives her a tight, grateful smile and ducks his head back out of the room. Abby is quiet for a few seconds, then she speaks, her voice low.

“They’ve _never_ been late before.”

“Give them time, they were only due back yesterday, they’re probably just fine” she tries to ease the tension in her partner “Don’t we give couples a few leeway days for canoodling? If anyone needs it it’s those two.”

Abby’s huffs, her mouth twitching up slightly and Reagan silently commends her efforts.

“Gross, don’t talk about my big sister like that.” but her posture relaxes marginally, “I just—”

“I know how you get when she goes out” Reagan speaks softly, moving the place gentle hands on Abby’s shoulders, trying to reassure and validate her feelings.

Abby sighs placing her head in her hands, “both of them, Maggie’s like a sister to me too. I just keep running through the possibilities in my head.” She looks up at Reagan, “What if something happened to Mags? Liv wouldn’t be able to function, she would lose her mind.”

Reagan frowns, she remembers the change that came over Olivia when Maggie first arrived here, it was like a weight got lifted off of her shoulders, one that Liv herself didn’t even realize was there.

“You don’t even know if there’s anything to worry about yet.” The stress of leadership often got Abby stuck in her own head. “I’ve gotta go check on Mike and Jen, are you gonna be okay?”

Abby straightened and shook her head as if to clear it “yeah, I’m good” she turns to give Reagan an unconvincing smile. Reaching up to pull her Auburn ponytail teasingly “go play nurse.”

Reagan places a quick peck on her girlfriend’s lips and moves to exit the room “I’m a doctor and I know that you know that” she calls as she walks, a smile in her voice.

As she exits the building and starts toward the medical tent a force collides with her. It’s Nora, with a disgruntled and worried look on her face, talking a mile a minute.

“Did you hear about this? The fourth team is back. Mags and Liv were due back days ago, we need to do something, send out a search party or, or--”

Reagan stiffens and grabs Nora by the shoulders, halting her ranting. “Woah, woah! Where are you going?” she looks down at Nora with concern.

“To talk to Abby, get her to authorize—like—something!” she attempts to continue toward the map/meeting room but Reagan holds her in place.

“Firstly, they were only due back yesterday, give them some time, okay?” a slight squeeze to Nora’s shoulders “and if you go in there and stress Abby out any more than she already is—”

She sighs and starts again “they’ve been out a dozen and a half times before, have a little faith, will you?”

“yeah, and they’ve _never_ been late.”

Nora averts her eyes and sighs, like she’s hiding something. She’d been more worried than normal during their absence this time, it was starting to look suspicious.

“Is there something we should know?” Reagan questions, hands squeezing Nora’s shoulders again, until she makes eye contact.

Her response is to shrug off Reagan’s hands and back away, “no, of course not, I’m just worried about my best friend” she shoots a look behind her. “I’m gonna go see if Mike and what’s-her-name brought back anything useful”

Reagan shakes her head as she watches Nora power-walk in the opposite direction. In the back of her mind she decides to ask Nora’s partner Aaron if he knew anything about why she was acting so strange, after all, he spent all day every day with her in electric. She puts it in the back of her mind as she moves in the direction of the medical tent.

 

*****

 

I jerk awake out of another nightmare and sit up, disorientated, trying to get the imagined feeling of blood covered hands out of my head. The sun is high in the sky, a quick look around the general area reveals the girl from last night is still here. She’s awake, keeping watch.

I don’t check the contents of my pack, there’s nothing in there that she could have stolen, apart from my arrows and Liv’s knife. Both of which are probably useless to her as she has an intimidating looking rifle lying next to her, and a machete sitting next to her pack.

I start to move, she’d placed my pack a little out of my reach last night when she looked through it, and hiss as I forget the sprain in my ankle. I fall back onto my ass with my eyes closed and sigh quietly. Ellie, I think I’m remembering that right, looks up at the sound of pain coming from my direction.

“your stomach giving you trouble?”

“Ankle. Sprain”

Her brows furrow, “you want me to take a look at it?” concern heavy in her voice. “We won’t be getting anywhere if you can’t walk.”

I forego standing and scoot my butt toward my bag, hooking it with my good foot and bringing it closer to me “it’s a sprain, nothing to look at.”

I open my pack as I’m processing her words, my head shoots up “We?”

She snorts again and shakes her head “you’re kinda slow y’know. I’m not leaving a cripple in the middle of the woods alone, even if she is a trigger-happy archer.”

I frown at the lack of food in my pack, the last of it must have been shared between us last night “I’m not a cripple, I can walk fine. It just hurts a little.”

She chuckles, “whoohf, you’re just as mean in the day light, aren’t you?” she rubs a hand in her eyes to clear them of gunk, it makes we wonder if she slept at all.

She notices me searching my bag and nods “Sorry, I finished off your food while you were sleeping, I’ll find something for us” she moves to stand and I mirror her movements.

Her eyes widen at this and she shakes her head. “Sit down, let me look at that first” she moves towards me and I fall back to lean against the trunk of the tree that’s still behind me.

She kneels and takes hold of the shoe that isn’t planted on the ground, after a few seconds of feeling my ankle she tsks and shakes her head “that’s really swollen, it’s gotta hurt, you sure it’s just a sprain?”

“Feels like a sprain.”

It’s only when I can see her back that I notice she’s got a bow as well, it’s much more professional looking than mine, metal and sleek looking, but it looks powerful. She notices me looking and the corner of her mouth lifts, “not as rustic looking as yours but it’s got some power to it” she moves to her bag and begins to rifle through it.

My eyebrows drop into something like a scowl, it rubs me the wrong way that she’s talking about my bow like that. I catch movement from beyond the shrubs that line the clearing. From my elevated position I can see a deer toeing through the underbrush, looking for food. It hasn’t noticed us yet and my mind recalls what Ellie was saying last night, she doesn’t see me as dangerous.

I pull my bow from my back and take note as I place an arrow in the bow. The deer is far enough that it can’t hear Ellie talking or rummaging through her bag, but it’s certainly close enough for me to make the shot. The head is probably my best bet at this range, the heart is too small a target, too big a risk, and I want to deer to drop quickly and painlessly, as always.

I draw my bow and line up the shot just as Ellie finds what she’s looking for, she turns and I shoot, the arrow finding its mark and the deer dropping almost instantly.

“Holy shit!” Ellie jumps up, moving to the side and placing her hand over her eyes “Fuck. Oh My God. I thought you were gonna shoot me!” Her breaths are coming hard, like she’s fending off a panic attack, her hands move to her knees for support “what the _hell_ is wrong with you!?”

I wait a few seconds for her to calm down and look at me. “There was a deer, I didn’t want to startle it, now you don’t have to go hunting.” I can’t fight the small smile that her reaction brings and she rolls her eyes as she straightens up.

“oh yeah, _very_ funny. At least now I know you actually have a sense of humor” she waves the bandages she was looking for at me and motions for me to sit down, still catching her breath, “let me wrap your ankle and then I can go deal with that.”

I comply, feeling a little more at ease with the mood between us as she moves toward me. she then works on compressing my ankle, first using the cold water from the stream in an attempt to cool the swelling.

Once she’s done she moves over to get the deer and prepare breakfast. As she does this I move as little as possible, gathering sticks and branches to build the ashes of our old fire into something suitable for cooking.

I suddenly hear her let out an exclamation “damn!” she calls over, “this is a pretty impressive shot!” I don’t respond as she returns, dragging the kill with her.

She sees me moving and rolls her eyes “are you able to sit still, for like, a second?”

I avert my gaze, “I’m just trying to be helpful” I lean myself back into the embrace of the tree, confident that the fire can build itself from here. I used to start the fires when it was just Liv and I, she would carry the kills and I would start the fire, it was just my subconscious. Mind you, if I was ever injured she would make sure I wasn’t lifting a finger.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to sound like an ass” she seems a little panicked, like she’s losing the relaxed mood that she’s been trying to establish between us.

I indulge her a little, “if anyone’s been acting like an ass, it’s me” I give her a tiny smile and she snorts, dropping down near me and grabbing a knife out of her bag, getting to work on the deer. She’s sitting close enough that I can join in and I appreciate her letting me help, even if it’s unintentional.

She shears off a generous hunk of meat and gets it roasting over the fire, salting more pieces as she goes, setting them out to dry. I do the same.

“So,” she asks conversationally, “how’d your injuries happen?” she asks as we work, gesturing to my leg.

“I told you, I fell” I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

“You don’t get a scrape like that” she gestures to the hidden wound in my stomach, “unless you’re running.”

I scowl a little to myself and stay silent, thinking on my next words. She beats me to it though.

“Does it have anything to do with whoever stole from you?” she looks like a mix between concerned and sympathetic.

I don’t look at her as I work, she’s treating me like puzzle to solve, it’s annoying. I feel like I’ve been rude enough that she should have been scared off, but she hasn’t budged, I decide to give her something.

“Some guy showed up at my camp last night, seemed nice, concerned about my injuries, asking questions. I fell asleep and woke up to him running and a bunch of clickers coming my way. Probably hoped I’d be a good distraction.”

“Jeez, what an ass” she injects. “if there's anything I've learned, someone who's too nice is usually out to get you"

i stare at her, eyebrows raised.

She scoffs, "oh, shut up! How many were there? clickers?”

“Three, but one was a lot closer than I thought, hidden in the trees” I continued. “I shot one, used the noise as a distraction, but I tripped. Had to fight them off. Remembered a while after I started running that I was injured, I stopped to check myself out and my bag was empty, he must’ve cleaned me out before he ran.”

“Damn, your hostility makes a little more sense now” she shakes her head, “I’m sorry that happened.”

There’s not much left of the deer to salvage, there’s a lot set out to dry, and the meat over the fire is almost done.

She distributes the meat evenly in silence, but looks up as we’re eating, “how does your ankle feel?” 

I test out moving it and there’s still a bit of pain, but it’s not as bad as before “feels better, thanks.”

She nods in approval, “we really shouldn’t stay here for long” she reaches for her pack and pulls out a map, looking down at it “we’re not far from Jackson” she turns the map slightly “I think?” she looks at me “you think you can walk? We could get there in about two days, or three.”

“Can I see that?”

She nods and hands it to me, pointing at a spot on the map, “I saw a beat up old sign the other day that said _Shoshoni,_ so I’m guessing we’re somewhere around here”

It’s a map of Wyoming, it doesn’t even show where I’ve come from, I look up at the smaller map of the country in the top right corner and look at the tiny version of Minnesota.

A hand enters my line of vision “that’s Jackson, they all know me there, so it’s a good, safe place for you to get some rest.”

I look up from the map, she’s relaxed and given me a little space. Leaning back on one hand and finishing her venison with the other.

“you said you were looking for someone you cared about. Helping me, making a pit stop, I’m not slowing you down?” I ask incredulously, my eyes narrow and I start to tense up.

The world is full of good actors. I remember that before they murdered Liv, Alex had made me laugh, Mina had made me feel warm when she talked about her daughter. I thought they could be trusted.

I don’t have anything to steal now but there are worse reasons for luring a girl somewhere, crazy religions filled with rituals, fighting, sacrifice. I don’t even know this girl, and she’s trying to get me back to her people, and this person she was looking for is just some afterthought now? The seed of doubt begins to play in my mind.

“can’t slow down what’s not moving” she says, she hasn’t notice my change of attitude “Joel didn’t come back from a supply run about a week and a bit ago and Tommy didn’t have the man power to send out a search party, so I left to find him. I’m not getting anywhere though, might be good to go back and recuperate, actually come up with a plan instead of running outta there in a panic.” She looks annoyed for a minute “Tommy and Maria, Tommy is Joel’s brother, didn’t want me to go at all.  Can you believe that? They’re probably gonna be so pissed.”

I don’t respond, I’m looking at the map, I can’t stop the thoughts swirling in my head. It all sounds so believable but I can’t help but doubt my own judgement now.

“hey, _you’re_ looking all surly.” I look up to see her frowning, “we back to hating me again? Cause I thought we were over that.” She’s starting to sound annoyed.

My frown deepens, “hey, I don’t even know you! You could be anyone!” my defenses are back up now “I told you to leave, you don’t have to stick around.”

“Jesus, you really do have trust issues” she groans, “Look, this isn’t an ideal situation, but you’re gonna die out here if you don't let me help.”

I don’t say anything, the mood is tense as she continues, “you can get healed up in Jackson. Then, if you want, you can leave. Never have to see me again, deal?” her arms are up, held in a pacifying gesture.

I sigh, or groan, or a mixed-up combination of the two, “Fine.” at this point, I have nothing else to do, nothing that resembles a plan. Besides, I find that I don’t really give a shit if she ends up killing me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just filler, the next chapter reveals some light on Ellie's mindset. :)


	6. Chapter 6

We start walking, taking it slow, an hour at a time. I’m trying to keep us walking but Ellie insists that taking frequent breaks will make us more productive, that we should be trying not to wear out my ankle.

My wound starts bleeding profusely several times as we walk, each time, Ellie make us stop and makes me eat something as she rebandages it. She tries packing it with sanitary wipes once to try and stop the blood flow but its not effective unless she makes the outer bandage so tight that it’s hard for me to breathe.

There’s not much talk as we travel, neither of us is giving in to the tense air between us. There’s small talk but nothing is said in an effort to get to know each other. I feel like I should be the one making the effort, since she’s the one trying to help me, but I feel like I’ve already made an ass of myself and I don’t know where to go from here.

At about midday, we come across a smattering of abandoned buildings, something that was probably once a town that was so small it only had one main street. We stop a small distance away and look at each other in mutual question. Ellie is the first to speak,

“Should we take a look? There could be supplies in there, stuff to get you stitched up. Then you could stop bleeding all over the place.” She seems keen to search the place.

I’m more skeptical, but I can’t deny that we’re in dire need of supplies, both medical as well as ammunition. I’m still running low on arrows and places like this are great places to get ammunition for Ellie’s rifle as well as the pistol that she has hidden in her pack.

I nod, “I think we need to, we should be careful though.”

“try not to draw attention to ourselves, suss the place out first, make sure there’s no people or infected.” She sets out the plan and I’m comfortable with this. It feels like running a supply mission, despite the fact that I feel like death warmed up.

I keep my bow wedged over my shoulders with arrows in easy reach and take out my knife, it’ll be much handier to have in enclosed spaces, Ellie has her machete and her pistol at the ready.

We move quietly to the first building, we’re cautious.  I can’t hear or see any movement, so either there are no humans here or they’re lying in wait to ambush us.

I can’t hear any clickers but I also keep my ears open for the telltale wailing of a runner. We enter the first building through a door hanging on its hinges, it’s a peach colored double story building that looks like it might have served food at some point. There are couches, stools and a long counter that has drawers and shelving behind it.

Most of the drawers are empty or have been pulled out completely, splintered, rotting wood littering the floor around it. I turn to see Ellie holding a few strange coins in her hand that were used as a currency before the infection.

I find it hard to understand the need for such a concept. In the quarantine zone we had ration cards, for food. In any other scenario you trade what you have for something you need, why the middle man?

As we continue up the stairs, finding nothing but splintered wood on the bottom floor, we come into a single room with trash littered all over the floor.

I let out a sigh “someone’s clearly hit this place”

Ellie wipes some shit off of a table and comes up with four or five crudely made arrows. They’re better than sharpened sticks but nowhere near as good as my others. I take them anyway.

“people die, get infected, just because a place has been hit doesn’t mean that nothings been left here.”

She’s got a point, a dark and depressing point, but a point all the same. We quickly search the floor and head down, starting towards the next building down the street. Its filled with shelving, they’re all completely empty.

Feeling disheartened, we find ourselves entering what looks like a home. This has been ransacked as well, but as we walk towards the stairs I can hear a faint, irregular thumping sound coming from above. We’re halfway up the stairs and I reach out a hand to signal for Ellie to stop, she does, “what?”

I point upwards and we listen, then there’s a distressed moan of anguish. We both freeze, much more aware of our actions.

“Runner” Ellie whispers. We have a silent conversation, wondering if we go on or not. We both arrive at the consensus that we should go for it, one runner isn’t a major task, and they’re usually recently turned, guarding supplies that they can no longer make use of.

We creep up the stairs, me in the lead, knife first. I can see the runner facing the wall, hunched over with it’s face in its hands. There’s fungus growing all over its head, likely transitioning into the stalker phase. It’s crying softly now, it sounds so much like a person, but I know that if it hears us it will start screaming, alerting any other infected to our location. I can see a pack on the table next to it, it looks intact and I know we need to get to it.

I’m closest to it, and I’m blocking the doorway, it would be a task for Ellie to get around me. I have to be the one to take it down.

I ready my knife and motion to Ellie that I’m going to try and kill it from behind, she frowns and points toward my injured leg in response. I shake my head and use my hand to signal for her to wait, she throws her hands up in a surrender, then nods. I creep as slowly as I can toward the turned back of the runner, my soft footfalls being masked by the quiet wailing.

My foot catches on a stone and I freeze at the clattering, the runner turns and lets out a loud cry, turning toward me and attacking. It doesn’t get chance to get very far, I’m close enough to jam my knife into its neck before it can do any damage, letting it drop to the ground. I dance away from it’s teeth, still trying to get to me as it goes down and sigh, looking towards Ellie sheepishly.

She gives me a sarcastic looking thumbs-up “nice going, trippy” there’s amusement in her voice.

“Oh, shut up, I was already in the door, it would have heard us if you’d tried to get past me”

Suddenly there’s an inhuman scream from down the hallway and our heads snap in the direction of the sound. I run to stand next to Ellie as a stalker emerges from the room at the end of the hall. My eyes are wide as it sprints towards us, Ellie is light lightning as she ducks behind it and places her machete to its throat, slicing through and ending it quickly.

I look behind Ellie’s shoulder and see another runner coming out of the same end room towards her and promptly put an arrow in its head. it’s still moving so Ellie, whose getting over the shock of me firing behind her without warning, finishes it off.

We’re both breathing hard.

“Thanks” she pants, hands on her knees.

“You too” I reply. I grab another arrow and sneak into the remaining, unsearched, room. It’s clear.  As I walk out to the hallway again, Ellie is coming out of the end room.

“We’re good.”

We walk back to the original room, avoiding the runner corpse, Ellie grabs the bag that it was guarding. Opening it, she pulls out some ammo for a pistol that sits broken in the corner of the room, some well-crafted arrows and, a small med kit.

She pockets the ammo, hands me the arrows, which I place with the other mismatched ones already in my pack. Then the med kit is opened, it’s filled with antiseptic, bandages, and a bottle of pills that turn out to be antibiotics. I try hard not to look too disappointed, these are certainly useful, but they’re not gonna stop me from bleeding everywhere.

Ellie shrugs, places the supplies in her existing med pack and starts making her way downstairs, I follow her and we walk out to the middle of the cracked and plant choked street.

“Do you think there’s any more? Or would they have heard us by now?” I ponder out loud. There’s only two more buildings that have four walls are aren’t degraded almost completely.

“let’s just check them out, we’ve come this far.”

 

There’s no more danger, but no more supplies either. As we’re walking away from the buildings I pull one of the arrows we found out of my pack and examine them. They’re metal tipped and the wood is strong, they’re even fletched, I turn to Ellie.

“These are well-made, you want some?” I motion to the bow across her back and she shakes her head.

“you keep em’, I’ve got plenty of ammo” she pats her rifle. I nod and replace the arrow in my pack “how’s your leg feeling?” she continues.

“I don’t know” I push it a little harder into the ground to test it. It’s not hurting any more than it has been “it’s working?”

She nods, then looks thoughtful, “we’re a pretty good team, just, let me know before you start shooting in my direction, okay?”

I nod, it’s a reasonable request, “got it, no shooting at you without warning.”

Her response is a small smile, one that I return.

 

.....

 

We walk for another few hours until the sun starts to get low in the sky and paints the trees around us orange. We avoid all signs of civilization in the form of a road filled with abandoned, rusted cars and several small houses that look like they might have movement in them. My stomach only starts bleeding once more, which is an improvement, it must be starting to clot.

Once visibility starts to get worse we make a camp, my ankle is starting to become unbearable and I know that Ellie is picking up on it, even as we walk.

“your posture starts getting straighter when your ankle starts getting worse, like you’re trying to hide it” she points out as we’re eating in front of the fire that night.

I shrug, “There’s nothing to do about it, we’ve got places to be and taking a break won’t stop it from hurting, it’s just slowing us down.”

She laughs a little at that, “If you ruin it by not letting it rest we won’t be getting anywhere in a hurry.”

“point taken.” It’s a constructive conversation, one of the first we’ve had without suspicion and competition getting in the way.

I take the first watch, sitting by the fire, trying to keep my mind clear. I then wake her after six hours, feeling a little more comfortable falling asleep in her presence.

 


	7. Chapter 7

As I’m packing up our improvised camp I keep shooting looks at Maggie, she’s leaning on the large tree, trying to place weight on her injured ankle. She’s looking pale and unsteady on her feet, I saw her walking for a while before I approached her last night, I wanted to make sure she wasn’t some crazy, or in the early stages of infection. But it’s hard to know how long she was bleeding for before I patched the wound, the wound that _definitely_ needs stitches.

“If it’s too painful we can stick around for a while” I tell her, guessing she wouldn’t tell me even if it was too much.

“Doesn’t matter, it was never gonna get better overnight, better to get it treated as soon as possible” she’s not looking at me as she tests it. Gingerly setting her foot down over and over, her face screwing up with the pain every time she does.

“Okay, but if it gets too much, tell me and we’ll take a break” I tell her, trying to sound authoritative. She looks up at me and nods, and I shoot her a smile as I finish up sorting the leftover food so that it’ll stay preserved and clean. She doesn’t scowl at me, which I would actually consider progress.

“Okay!” I stand, bringing both the packs with me, one over each shoulder “I think we’re ready to go.”

She nods and moves forward, limps forward, and reaches her hand out for her pack. I shake my head “you don’t need more weight dragging you down”

“it’s basically empty, I can carry my own stuff” she reasons. She gestures her fingers as if to tell me to hand it over. Instead I brush past her and grab her bow and half empty quiver off the ground, passing her those instead. I don’t say anything about the rough texture of her bow, the last time I made a comment she almost shot me.

“It’s basically empty, so I can handle it” I counter her argument, earning an unamused look as we start walking, silent as we go.

This girl is even pricklier than Joel was when I first met him. Her soft, albeit, ragged appearance doesn’t match up with her angry, distrustful attitude. It makes me wonder what happened to her, she flip flops from relaxing a little to outright hostility in the blink of an eye.

I’m certain Joel would be kill me for sticking around someone who threatened to shoot me so many times, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from getting to know Joel it’s that this kind of hostility is usually a mask for pain.

I try to make conversation, careful to avoid topics that might trigger an emotional shut down or an angry response.

“you’re a good shot, where’d you learn to use a bow?” I ask, this is something I know we have in common. She seems to get a little uncomfortable, but it’s a mild reaction based on what I was expecting.

“I taught myself.” She’s averting her gaze, like as if it’s not an outright lie, but it’s not the truth either. I consider it a victory and try to ease her up by telling a story.

“I started learning to use mine when I was, like, fourteen. Joel got hurt really bad, we were travelling just the two of us back then, we’d just met, and I had to go out and find something for us to eat while he was healing. I was trying to shoot a deer, it took me like four shots, and they were all really bad, nothing like yours. I kept having to keep up with the injured deer, trying to get it down. It was kind of awful to watch, but….”

I want to keep it light, so I avoid talking about the rest of that story, cannibals and infected and wondering which side of humanity was worse.

She seems to appreciate the story, “I had the same thing happen when I first started out, now I try and keep it quick, painless.”

I nod in agreement, “that deer went down so quick I didn’t even notice it, that was pretty badass.” I smile at her and she returns it, she’s got a pretty smile.

We continue to walk in silence, but I feel like I know her a little better.

 

******

 

We’ve been walking for about five hours, only taking short breaks every now and then, when Maggie suddenly stumbles. I reach to stop her falling on her face or something equally as damaging, she allows me to support her for a few seconds before limping to a large boulder and sitting down. I grab her canteen out of her pack and hand it to her.

“Break time?” I ask her, she nods gratefully and I pass her a few pieces of the meat we’d dried that morning. She takes it and I grab out a few pieces for myself, taking a pull of my own water, I move to lean next to her so she can get some much-needed rest. I grab my map out of my bag and look over it.

We’ve made better progress than I thought we would, but I’d say we’ll pay the price if Maggie pushes herself too far, I’ll make sure to check her injuries before we move on. If she’ll let me, I can tell she’s getting paler.

It’s been a comfortable silence for most of the day, a bit of small talk, nothing heavy. I can feel her loosening up, but her walls are still built high.

I finish the pieces of meat I took out and open my own bag, I shoot her a look and see that she’s got a hand over her face, she looks like she’s in pain. “how’re you feeling?” I ask tentatively. She looks up at me and grimaces, gesturing to her right side “I think I’m bleeding again, it’s all warm and the bandage feels sticky.”

I frown and move toward her grabbing the edge of her shirt, I look up at her for approval and once she nods I lift it slightly. Sure enough, there’s a red stain blossoming over the area, the bandages must have come loose as we were walking.

“I need to change this, we can get it stitched up once we get to Jackson, but I’m gonna need to clean it up and rebandage it.” I’m sympathetic, nothing worse than antiseptic on a fresh wound, well, except maybe dying of an infection.

I pull what I need out of my bag “feel free to hold on to me if you need to.”

“I’m okay”

I nod, not pushing it. I’ve always been one to wear my emotions and feelings on my sleeve, but Joel never wanted to show me when he was hurting, so I know how to handle someone like this. I bend down to get a better view and I can feel her eyes on me. I start to wipe away the blood with an antiseptic covered wipe and there’s a slight hiss, but nothing like the violent reaction from last night.

I finish up and pull out another roll of bandages, then she speaks.

“you’ve got a bite, on your arm.”

I stiffen, eyes wide, I look up at her frantically but she looks relaxed.

“I’m not infected! I know it looks bad—" I’m cut off with a snort.

“I haven’t taken my eyes off you in like, 7 hours, you would have deteriorated by now” I look away from her, still tense. Joel’s words about people shooting first and asking questions later in the back of my mind. “Unless you’ve been going off to shove clickers instead of actually going to the bathroom all this time. And, you know, also got a tattoo over it.”

I let out a tense laugh “why are you not freaking out about this?” I start wrapping her stomach, making sure it’s a little tighter this time, not too tight as to be uncomfortable, but tight enough that it’ll hold and hopefully stop her from bleeding.

“My friend, Nora, she’s immune.” I shoot a look up at her. Joel had said there were a bunch of others, but he’d been lying, I know he had been. Things had been tense between us for years because of it. I wait for Maggie to continue speaking, wanting to learn about someone else who might be like me.

“what happened?” I try to keep my voice light, but I know my curiosity is plain in my voice.

“she got bitten in the leg while we were hunting, she’s not a hunter, so she wasn’t really supposed to be out there” she looks pained “I thought she was gonna die, I thought I was gonna have to kill her. After I killed the runner that did it I managed to drag her out of danger, we sat together for hours, crying, holding each other. I guess it’s a good thing I was too chickenshit to shoot her, we fell asleep and when we woke up nothing had changed.

“I still can’t believe I fell asleep next to her, Li-,” her sentence cuts off, “…I, uh. I really got reamed for that”

She goes quiet and I look up at her as I finish the bandage, this is the most she’d spoken since we’d met, I didn’t want her to stop.

“What happened” I urge her on.

She shakes her head, as if out of a trance “nothing, we waited a few more hours before going back to the settlement, just to be sure. I got a doctor to come outside the walls to check it out, make sure she was safe” she shrugs. “she’s still a conniving little asshole to this day” a sad smile appears on her face and she looks like she might be holding back tears. I remember her reaction when I asked if she had a group and decide not to push my luck.

Standing, I clap my hands to signal that I’m done, she straightens up and moves to take a step. There’s definitely a limp in her step but that’s nothing new “you want to stop for the day? There’s a few more hours of daylight left but if you’re in too much pain…?”

She shakes her head “I think I’m okay for now, but I’ll say something if it gets too much.”

I nod and hold out an arm to help her up, she ignores it and stands up herself, reaching out and grabbing her pack and weapons as she does. Stubborn ass.

I let her do what she wants, feeling good about our feelings jam and distracted by the possibility that there are more people out there like me.

 

We walk for three more hours and she asks a few questions about Joel and me, how we met and when, when we got to Jackson. We’re both more relaxed, I’m not trying to hide my bite, and her mood feels a little lighter.

“We went there the first time to talk to Joel’s brother, Tommy. Joel didn’t like me much yet, he was just trying to pawn me off on someone else” I laugh so she knows there’s no hard feelings about it and she chuckles in response.

“So, you’re an acquired taste for most people then” she teases.

“Hey, fuck you!” I resist the urge to shove her playfully. I’d feel bad if she tripped on her bad leg or something, we both laugh lightly. “Once Joel and I did what we had to do, we went back, Joel’s brother Tommy welcomed us with open arms” I look down, uncomfortable at the idea of talking about the hospital and the blank spots surrounding it “Joel and I got close, and Jackson’s the closest thing to home for me.”

She nods, understanding in her eyes, then I notice her limping is getting worse and the sky is getting dark. Neither of us got a great sleep last night, so it’s probably a good idea not to push it too far. “Should we stop for today? Get a fire going?”

“sounds nice, my ankle is killing me.” She looks around for a good open space and pulls out some sticks and kindling from her bag, she’d been stopping as we walked, picking up sticks and small branches. I’d ignored it for the most part, there was no shortage of firewood in the forest, but I didn’t want to question her about it.

She pulls out a stack of irregular looking sticks, and another stack that are straighter. Using the uneven ones, she sits down and starts setting up a fire, I sit down next to her as she works and start getting some food ready.

Once the fire is roaring and we start eating, she pulls out a knife, alternating between taking bites of food and carving the straight sticks one at a time into a sharp point. I watch her for a while, she notices, looking up at me and frowning.

“I’m starting to run out of arrows, these suck, but they’re better than nothing.”

I nod, “you’ll be able to get some better ones in Jackson”

She looks relieved about that, but continues working, after a few more minutes she stops, “so how’d you get bitten?” her voice is tentative, “you don’t have to tell me, I just--, I don’t know, I was curious.”

I think about it, telling her about Riley. She seems hurt, like maybe she’s lost someone, I can see it in the way that she’s been acting throughout the day. How she sometimes looks behind her expecting to see someone else but she sees me and her face falls a little.

Telling a stranger about Riley, about my immunity, goes against the instincts that Joel taught me to listen to. But maybe I can use this to figure her out, I decide to strike her a deal, “Okay, I’ll tell you what happened, but then you tell me about your group. Where you came from and why you’re not going back, deal?”

I can see the hesitation on her face, then to my surprise, she nods a little “Okay, I’ll tell you about St Cloud, but I get to be vague about the other stuff, and you go first.”

 

****

 

Ellie looks shocked that I agreed, truth is, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her immunity since we talked about the bite on her arm. I always thought Nora was the only one who was immune, I wanted to know more.

She blinked a few times, almost in astonishment “St Cloud, like, Minnesota?” I nod, and she shakes her head “damn, that’s pretty far from here, how long’ve you been travelling?”

“like, a week and a half I guess, since…” I stop myself, remembering Liv’s lifeless eyes. “Hey! I said you first.”

“Okay, okay. So.” She gets herself comfortable, then starts talking “About five years ago, I was in this compound, a government run thing. They were trying to keep us kids safe, fighting the fireflies and all that crap.” The fireflies, I’d heard they’d been taken down years ago.

She goes on to tell me about her best friend, how they went out one night as a farewell, since she was leaving to join with the fireflies. About the abandoned shopping mall, the fun, the kiss, and the feelings.

Then about the infected, the running, waiting to lose their minds together, how she’s still waiting for her turn. She adds in that she got put into the care of Marlene, the leader of the fireflies, and that’s how she met Joel.

There are tears in my eyes when she’s done, I clear my throat, trying to clear it of inflection. “Did you love her?” I ask, she looks at me and searches my face for a minute, then nods.

“I think I loved her in the way that a fourteen-year-old falls in love with their best friend.” she looks down at her hands “I don’t know if I really knew what love was, but I remember how intense it felt, how badly I wanted her to stay.”

I nod, I remember the feelings that I had for Liv during our childhood. Knowing that I had feelings for her in my subconscious, but not having the experience to know what it meant.

“I’m so sorry Ellie” I move and place my hand on hers and she looks up, giving me a small grateful smile. Our eyes are locked for a few seconds and I turn away.

She continues, “It was a long time ago, I try to make something positive out of the pain” there’s clear emotion in her voice. She clears her throat, “Uh, your turn, a deal’s a deal.”

I nod, taking my hand back. I look away from her and just start talking, “I lived in a government run quarantine zone until I was like, 17, until my parents got infected. They were killed by the ‘protectors’ of the city, shot in cold blood in the street, didn’t take me long to get the hell out of there. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.” She doesn’t interrupt, I can tell without even looking at her that she’s listening with rapt attention.

“I was alone for about six months, just avoided people where I could, that’s when I learnt to use a bow. Eventually, I ran into some people I used to know when I was a kid. They took me to their settlement in St. Cloud, that’s where I met Nora. I was there for about 2 and a half years, then I did something bad.” I cut myself off, It’s an effort to stop the words from spilling out. I hold my breath for a second, looking down at my bow, running a hand over it. “I lost someone. I, uh… I made a bad decision and…”

I can’t continue, there’s tears streaming down my face, I’m gripping my bow tightly in my hands. I force myself to loosen my grip, the last thing I want is to break it.

Then there’s a comforting hand on my shoulder, my already fractured composure breaks and I bring a hand to my face, letting a sob out. I drop my bow and pull my knees to my chest. There’s nothing but stunned silence coming from Ellie for more than a few long moments.

“Oh, shit, don’t kill me for this okay?”

Before I can process her words, there are a pair of strong arms surrounding me. I try to reign in my shaking form but a hand rubs down my back in soothing motions. “let it out, no wonder you’re so grumpy all the time, holding all this in.” It’s said with a kind humor.

A laugh breaks through and my breathing gets wonky, we sit in this position for a while, I can’t say how long. My walls are breaking, and there’s nothing I can do to build them back up, they’re breaking down faster than I can rebuild them.

Once my breathing is back under control she speaks “You don’t have to keep going if you’re not ready.”

I nod and start to move, she lets go of me immediately and I put some distance between us. I haven’t cried in almost a week, I’d been numb, the floodgates had opened.

I wouldn’t feel right about not acknowledging her, so I nod in her direction, making sure my voice is under control. “Thanks.”

She gives me a soft smile “Anytime.”

I tell her I’ll take the first watch and she nods, I don’t look at her until she falls asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

We’ve been walking for 6 hours, almost no words have been spoken between us. A few niceties this morning, and some of Ellie trying to push a conversation, to no avail. I can barely think about anything but my breakdown last night, the ache in my chest feels fresh and new. I feel naked in the eyes of my travelling companion, I just want to curl into a ball and hide, from her and the world.

The lines between trust and protection feel blurred, even if I don’t have anyone other than myself to protect. Ellie’s story about Riley, losing someone she loved and feeling at fault, made me ache for that feeling of understanding, maybe that’s why I almost let it slip. But Ellie was taken to the abandoned shopping mall by Riley when she was just a kid, it wasn’t her fault that Riley died, hers is survivors guilt.

If Ellie finds fault with her own actions, how would she feel about me? I made the decision that led Olivia to her death. I pushed for her to trust strangers, people she adamantly argued against travelling with, and then she died trying to protect me.

I don’t know what to feel, I’m numb, I don’t care what’s going on around me. Ellie can take me to be burnt at the stake as a ritual sacrifice for all I care.

The ache in my ankle is almost non-existent. I can barely feel anything.

I’m aware of Ellie’s increasingly concerned looks, of her repeating the same question, each time becoming more frequent.

“Do you need to take a break?”

Every time she asks, I respond with a simple shake of the head. I don’t want to stop, moving is the only thing that distracts me from the intensity of her gaze. At least when we’re moving, walking side by side, I can avoid it directly.

Suddenly I hear her name being called, her voice is more frantic now, and there’s a hand on my shoulder. She comes around to face me and her lips are moving, I try to bring myself into the moment to process what she’s saying.

“What?” my voice sounds strange in my ears after not speaking all day.

“I said you’re bleeding! Stop walking.” she looks frustrated and far more scared than when I last looked at her, “Sit down so I can look at it.”

I look around, there’s nothing to sit on so I just drop to the ground, Ellie drops my pack down next to me a second later.  Next, hers is pulled around her shoulders and brought to the ground as she kneels, opening it and looking for something. I finally look down and see that my stomach and shirt are covered in fresh blood.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” she starts ranting as she unwraps the soaking bandage, “you’ve barely looked at me all day, I keep asking you to take a break and you only answer me half the time, and when you _do_ answer me it’s not even with words. Now you’re bleeding again, who knows when that started, and you don’t say anything!”

Ellie trails off and begins wiping away the excess blood, then uses antiseptic to make sure the wound is sterile. It feels less painful then the last time, not nearly painful enough to warrant a reaction, she looks at my face periodically as she works, she seems to be waiting for something in my face. When she doesn’t find what she’s looking for she frowns, her frustration ebbing away into worry.

The new bandage is wrapped around my stomach quickly. It’s rushed, and it feels too tight, but it doesn’t hurt. I tell Ellie as much when she asks me.

I try to shake the fuzzy feeling in my head, it just makes it worse, I feel like I’m going to puke. Ellie is pulling out the map and looking around, muttering to herself, I can’t hear what she’s saying.

There’s a ringing in my ears that turns into a voice “--eed you to get up, okay?” Ellie’s face swims into my vision and I let her pull me to my feet “can you walk?”

I nod, she keeps a hand around my shoulders and supports me but I shrug her off.

“I’m good, just a bit dizzy” my voice sounds far away but again, I feel fine.

She scoffs, “ _now_ you’re being a stubborn ass.”

My response is to turn and throw up at the base of a tree, I spit and accept the water canteen that appears in my line of vision, wiping my face and taking a drink, spitting out the water to try to rid my mouth of the vile taste.

“Shit, shit… that’s _definitely_ not a good sign, right?” I assume that’s in response to me throwing up.

I don’t answer her clearly hypothetical question, instead taking a long pull of the canteen. After several long seconds I hear her voice again.

“what are you doing? trying to drown yourself!?”

I stop and look at her in confusion, and then down at my hand, it feels way too light. What I thought was a full canteen is almost empty, I dismiss it and continue to drink. It must have been emptier than I originally thought.

Once it’s completely empty I grab my pack from the ground and continue the way we were going, she seems in a hurry to get somewhere and I don’t want to slow us down.

 

We walk for some time, her hovering worriedly over me as we go.

“We shouldn’t be too far from Jackson, I just need a sign so I can figure out where we are exactly.” She walks a little ahead instead of directly next to me, shooting back glances every few seconds to make sure I’m following, and suddenly lets out a yell of triumph. My gaze cuts to her, she’s gesturing to a large rock formation, I shoot her a strange look and she clarifies.

“we’re not too far” she comes over to me as I move to lean against a tree, trying to offset the dizziness coming over me in waves.

“Look, something is seriously wrong, you’re white as a sheet and you’re throwing up. I’m not gonna kid myself into thinking I can carry you all the way so you gotta work with me for a little longer okay?”

I frown at her “nothing’s hurting though, I’m fine Olivia, stop fussing.”

Her dark brown eyes furrow, I shut my eyes and when I open them again her eyes are back to green.

“Who the fuck are you—Whatever. Look, no pain is usually a really bad sign when you look like you do.”

She eventually coaxes me into standing but her form looks blurry, shifting from pale and mousy brown to tall and dark and back again before my eyes.

 

I don’t know how much longer we travel when there’s suddenly voices and rustling, but I can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from. Ellie swears and pulls out her gun, I follow suit and grab out my bow, drawing an arrow and pointing it to the ground until I have something to shoot at.

Suddenly there’s a group of about 5 people coming toward us, they seem to come out of nowhere, but my comprehension isn’t fantastic at the moment. There’s one older man running toward Ellie, he’s yelling, and he has a gun.

Ellie doesn’t seem to be trying to defend herself so I shoot a warning shot at the tree behind him, making sure it misses him by only inches. Voices swim to the forefront of my mind but they sound warped.

“Jesus! What in the hell!?” I tighten the grip on my bow and grab another arrow, this one’s one of my homemade wooden ones, but it can still do some damage.

Ellie’s face is in front of me a second later, so that my arrow’s point is touching her chest.

“Maggie, it’s okay! It’s Tommy! It’s Joel’s brother!” she pushes the point of the bow down and places her hands on my shoulders. I blink at her, and she turns to him as he speaks.

“Who’s the hell’s the sharpshooter!? and where the hell’ve you been?” he sounds angry.

Sounds are getting more and more muffled and I stumble as I try to keep an eye on him over Ellie’s shoulder.

“Something’s wrong with her, help me and I’ll explain later!” Ellie matches his tone as she stops my descent.

Then it all goes black.

 

*******

 

It takes a couple of people to get Maggie back to Jackson. I was right, we were close.

Tommy and I at least agree that berating me for disappearing can wait for now. I’ve assured Tommy and the others multiple times that Maggie isn’t infected, I understand their concern, she wasn’t exactly acting rationally. It was hard enough convincing them not to shoot her on the spot.

Now Tommy and I are sitting outside the med room, a table between us, the silence only punctuated by my leg jumping up and down anxiously.

She’s been in there with the doctor for about a half hour and no one has said anything yet.

Someone storms through the empty doorway, the door having been broken down a long time ago, we’re met with a worried and pissed off looking Maria.

“I heard some crazy woman attacked you guys on lookout and you brought her back here!? Are you out of you’r--…Ellie?” she looks surprised to see me. It’s weird that she would hear about Maggie but not me. Maybe hearing that Tommy was in danger was all she needed before she stopped listening and started heading over here.

“Where have you been!? Are you okay? And are _you_ okay?” she seems torn, trying to mother us both at the same time. Tommy answers for both of us.

“We’re both just fine, Ellie’s friend collapsed in the woods, her reaction to a bunch of armed strangers was warranted. But she’s hurt bad, doc’s checking her over now, and Ellie swears up and down she’s not infected.”

Tommy’s always been the more rational brother between him and Joel, it’s moments like this that it shows.

Maria visibly deflates in relief, sinking into a seat next to Tommy “Jesus, I didn’t get the news until just now, I was out on the opposite side of the settlement” she shoots a look into the closed door that hides Maggie and the doctor, “Any diagnosis?”

“Still waiting.”

Maria shoots a look at me, appraising me up and down, “what about you? You hurt?” I shake my head and her voice softens, “any sign of him?” another shake of the head.

Tommy looks guilty “Ellie, I’d have sent someone out with you, we just don’t—”

I hold my hand up to stop him, “can we talk about this after I’ve had a shower?”

The door to the doctor’s office opens before he can answer and I stand as the town doctor, Miles, walks through. Miles is about the same age as Joel and has been here for way longer than I have, he’s stitched me up more times than I can count and he’s got great bedside manner.

“Okay, first off, she’s going to be just fine.” I visibly relax at his words. If she’d died after I spent the last few days dragging her through the woods, i’d have been pissed.

“What’s the verdict?” I’m trying and failing to mask my nervousness.

“A pretty advanced case of hypovolemic shock, she’s lost a lot of blood, and she hasn’t been getting the nutrients to build her supply back up” he sits, and motions that I do the same. “I’ve cleaned and stitched up the wound in her stomach and I’ve gotten her on a saline drip, she’ll need to eat once she wakes up. Mind if I ask you some questions?”

I sit across from him and nod, and he continues “How long have you been travelling with her?”

“Two days? I found her a couple of nights ago, she was dead on her feet, all her stuff had been stolen so I offered to help her.”

Tommy looks a mix between proud and pained, I know he worries about Joel losing me, but he’s also always been a lot more of a do-gooder than Joel. He’s played a large part in getting me to start taking people at their word again, after the David incident and the subsequent mistrust I would fall back on.

The doctor is all business with more questions “do you know when she sustained her injuries?”

“she told me she got hurt fighting off a bunch of clickers the night before I found her, she had to run, said she didn’t remember being injured right away.”

Miles frowns “Trauma and adrenaline can make us black out, lose memory, it’s entirely possible she was running for a lot longer than she thought.”

“She said she’s from St. Cloud, that she’d been travelling about a week and half before she met me.”

Tommy interjects at this “Minnesota? Either she’s been pushing herself way too hard or she’s not remembering correctly”

Miles nods and writes a note. “has she been showing symptoms since you met her? Dizziness, nausea, fatigue, dehydration, acting strange?”

I think back but can’t make any solid conclusions “she tried to shoot me a few times” Tommy seems to be having an aneurism in my peripherals “and she’s been jumpy since we met, she’s a closed off person, I don’t know her that well so it’s hard to say if she’s been acting normal or not.

“we had a pretty heavy conversation last night, then this morning it was like she wasn’t there. I thought she was pissed about getting emotional in front of me, but she was getting paler and wasn’t answering when I asked her if she needed to slow down. So, I think it took a turn for the worse today. I noticed she was bleeding, but I don’t know for how long, and she started throwing up and chugging water like she was dying of thirst. We ran into Tommy and the others pretty soon after that. It was kinda scary to watch.”

The doctor finishes writing stuff down and stands. “Okay, this is all useful information. Hypovolemia always looks bad, but it’s pretty easily recovered from with rest, food and water. She just needs to build her plasma stores back up. You’re welcome to sit in with her until she wakes up, I’ve got other spaces if anyone has an emergency.”

I feel a little uncomfortable at this thought, I barely know this girl, and she doesn’t seem to like me a whole lot.

“I might go get a shower and some food” I say, looking towards the door.

Tommy seems to agree, “go get cleaned up and relax a little, then you meet me back here in a few hours so we can talk about you running off in the middle of the night.”

 

****

As I’m walking back to mine and Joel’s empty hut I run into a couple of friends of mine, Dina, who’s learning medicine from Miles, and Jesse, her on again, off again boyfriend who I often do patrols with.

Dina sees me and make a beeline straight in my direction, once she reaches me she immediately pulls me into a backbreaking hug, “Thank god you’re okay! what were you thinking?! Tommy said you ran off with no warning! We’ve all been so worried” she pulls back to look me over as Jesse interjects,

“Yeah, we’ve all been picking up your slack around here, thanks for _that.”_

I know he’s trying to act tough and it’s his way of telling me he missed me.

I move Dina’s hands off my arms where she’s currently searching for injury “I’m fine, I figured I’d come back here to make a plan, haven’t found any sign of Joel yet.”

Dina shoots me a sympathetic look.

“You headed for the clinic?” I notice them heading in that direction. She nods in affirmation and I smile,

“I’ve brought a friend, she can be a little difficult, but she’s a good person. Keep an eye on her for me will you? I’ll be back there in a couple of hours.”

Jesse snorts, “woah, you made friends with someone who’s difficult, that’s off brand for you” the sarcasm is strong and I know he’s referring to Joel.

“yeah, I get practice from dealing with you.” I shove him slightly and he pushes me back, Dina is watching us with amusement. We chill out after a few good-natured shoves, I start closing up the conversation, “I need to go and shower, I feel gross, but I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

 

We part ways and I get back to my room, I put my stuff away, realising only now that I’ve still got all of Maggie’s stuff. I hold her bow, it seems like whenever she gets uncomfortable she tries to stay connected to it. I make sure it’s safe and grab some fresh clothes and a towel, making my way to the shower blocks to get cleaned up.

While I’m washing up in the cold water, it’s too late in the day for there to be any hot water left, I ruminate on who this woman I’ve brought here really is.

Who knows when she started going into shock, she could be a completely different person than the one I’ve come to know over the last few days.

Watching her today was like watching a woman possessed, I imagine the process of being infected might look a lot like what I saw today. Only knowing that the last time I’d taken my eyes off of her was 12 hours ago, when I’d gone to sleep the night before. Our 8 hours of walking today, most of which she was barely responsive for, was the only way I could tell for sure she wasn’t turning.

I finish my shower and get back to my room, passing by Joel’s empty one and looking into it with a sigh, it sucks not having him here. He’s the only person I have to really talk these things out with, even if he doesn’t always know what to say.  I hope he’s okay.

I decide I need to take a quick nap, the last few days have been so exhausting that I’m not overly concerned about oversleeping, I’m asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoop! just so it's clear Maggie is meant to be an unreliable narrator in this scene. I've never gone into shock so i don't know how it would feel but hey!  
> Also i'm out of the state for a wedding this weekend so i'll probably update tomorrow morning, (or tonight, depending on your timezone) then i'll be out for the next four or five days.


	9. Chapter 9

 

I come to consciousness and immediately feel a soft surface beneath me, a bed, not the forest floor like I’ve come to expect. I blearily open my eyes and I’m met with a room, rough stone walls, clean utensils, and medical supplies. I notice that there’s a light on one of the benchtops, electricity.

How did I get here, the last thing I remember was Ellie and I getting ambushed, lots of yelling and then darkness. Where is she?

My eyes dart to a movement in my peripherals, a woman, dark hair pinned back in a bun high on her head is facing away from me, reading something at a tall counter adorned with medical supplies. Where is Ellie? Who is this woman?

My hands start to shake as I slowly reach for my knife, but there’s a sheet in the way. I realise that I’m not wearing a shirt, just my old dirty binding, and my breath catches. my pants are in place but I can’t feel my knife in the belt.

I look around the room for my weapons and come up short as the woman turns, no doubt reacting to my movement. I push myself up into a sitting position, keeping my arm around the sheet to keep it from sliding down and exposing me. Her eyes widen as she sees that I’m awake, her eyes darting to the door and her arms automatically raising in a calming gesture, like she’s trying to decide if she should get someone or try and talk me down herself.

“Hey, you’re okay, you’re in Jackson. You’re safe.”

I don’t respond, we were supposed to be going to Jackson. I guess we made it, though I don’t remember how we got here. I want to ask about Ellie, and I’m about to, when there’s voices from outside. They’re muffled, but I think I recognise Ellie’s agitated tone and a man’s voice responding, sounding just as worked up.

The woman notices my attention shifting towards the door, “they’ve been going at it for a while, Ellie’s not letting Tommy give her a hard time, but we were all worried when she left.”

I blink at her, studying her face a little, she seems sincere. She’s pretty, dark hair and olive-toned skin.

“How long have I been out?” I keep my voice hard.

“Four or five hours, I got here a while after they brought you in.” She holds my gaze, not elaborating.

“What happened?” my head feels heavy and clouded. She turns to grab the clipboard she’d been studying when I’d woken and a plastic cup, she moves closer to me, sitting on a stool positioned next to my bed.

“Relax a little and I’ll tell you, you’re still healing, you need rest.”  She hands me the cup, I sniff it, studying its contents. It’s water, I take a sip, still feeling dehydrated.

I slowly lean back until my back hits the bed head, once it does she smiles, “The lookout group found you guys earlier this afternoon, you passed out and they brought you back here. The doctor stitched your wound and bound your ankle. You’re suffering from…” she looks down at the words on the clipboard and squints a little “hypovolemia, acute blood-loss. That’s why you’re feeling a little lightheaded, that and the painkillers he gave you.”

I shift a little and shake my head, it made sense. Without stitches, I just kept losing blood, my symptoms getting worse and worse until my body couldn’t take it.

“Is Ellie okay? The people who came after us had guns, I just remember a lot of yelling.”

“She’s fine, they were from our group, from what I heard you almost put a hole in Tommy’s brain, lucky you missed.” She’s smiling so I know there’s no hard feelings. I take another sip of water before I respond.

“I didn’t miss.”

Her smile falters a little, but she regains her composure. She stands and moves to replace the clipboard on top of the counter. “I know the doctor wants you to be eating as soon as possible, so I’m just gonna run and get something for you, okay?”

“You’re not the doctor?” I ask confused, she looks a little young, but it’s not unheard of for people to train from an early age. There aren’t exactly age requirements and qualifications in the way in a world like this.

“I’m getting there. Miles, the actual doctor, is mentoring me. He’ll want to know you’re awake too”

She moves to exit and I stop her again “What’s your name?”

A smile graces her face as she answers, “I’m Dina.”

“Maggie.”

She nods and opens the door, as soon as she does, the voices outside are louder. I still can’t quite make out what’s being said but when the door closes a second later I’m left in relative silence.

My wounds don’t hurt, Dina said they’d given me painkillers, were they numbing me or was that the result of the numbness I’d been feeling the entire day? A result of the blood loss I’d sustained.

I move the sheet aside to look at the wound in my side but there’s a large gauze covering my stomach, I can see the faint outline of stitches through the bandage.  I take another drink of water and then place the empty cup on the table next to my bed, just as I do there are voices right outside the door.

“Hey now little lady we’re not finished here!”

“Come on man, will you get off my back already!”

The door opens and Ellie peeks her head in and her eyes widen as she sees me sitting up, “Hey, I saw Dina leaving and she said you were awake, you mind if I come sit?”

I nod the affirmative and she enters, moving toward the seat that Dina had just vacated. Before the door can close behind her a hand shoots out and holds it open, a man enters. He has brown hair and a decent beard, and he looks annoyed. Behind him a blonde woman looks concernedly between him and Ellie. I can’t stop my body from tensing lightly, Ellie’s look in my direction tells me that this hasn’t gone unnoticed.

“Can you just give us a second, Tommy?” she asks, she sits casually on the stool with elbows resting lightly on her knees and her hands loosely intertwined.

He bites his lip in concern and I see the blonde woman tug at his shirt a little, then he relents, “Fine, I’m going to get Miles, I’ll be coming in here with him. We can continue our discussion later.” The door swings closed as the pair leave and I watch the door shut slowly, once it clicks into place I turn my eyes to Ellie, who’s already watching me.

“How’re you feeling? You really scared the shit out of me today”

I close my eyes, the fuzziness overtaking my brain in a wave, I move to pull my pillow upwards so I can lean back on it and Ellie quickly moves to help me.

“I’m fine, a little lightheaded but okay.” I can tell I sound a little slow with my words but I can’t make them come any faster.

Her eyes narrow, “you’re not feeling any pain? Wasn’t that a symptom of the hypo-blood loss- whatsit?” she shoots up and moves to grab the clipboard, reading over it, her eyes darting quickly over the words.

“What are you doing? Are you supposed to be reading my medical file?” I’m smiling softly and can’t seem to school my expression, this makes her look even more concerned. Then the door opens and Dina, the girl from before, walks in. she’s got a steaming bowl of food and doesn’t look surprised to see Ellie in the room.

“Thought I’d find you in here, Tommy’s pouting in the kitchen, you’re gonna give that man grey hairs you know.” She smiles in Ellie’s direction with a fondness that seems familiar. This makes my smile widen a little.

“well maybe he’s overdue.” Ellie responds absentmindedly, lifting her head from the words on the page. Looking at me she frowns and looks back at Dina, “what the hell is wrong with her? Is she still in the red? She’s acting weird.”

Dina moves toward me and I can see Ellie tense and move toward us, hand resting lightly on her knife, “she’s not really good with strangers.”

I take the offered bowl of food as Dina speaks directly to me, “Doctors orders, you need food or your body won’t be able to build up your blood stores”

I nod and begin eating without complaint. It looks like brown slop but its taste is rich, I get a hint of potatoes and a meat I can’t quite place. It reminds me of home, meals that consist of more than one ingredient.

Dina turns her attention back to Ellie once she sees me eating “I gave her some painkillers when she woke up, they should be kicking in right about now” I see her gaze flicker to the water on the bedside table and I frown.

“Well that’s not fair.” I whine, somewhat indignantly, but continue eating. Dina chuckles lightly and leans against the foot of the bed, giving Ellie and I equal attention.

“Well, _someone_ told me you could be a little difficult, I didn’t want to take any chances” Ellie flounders at this and I shoot her a look.

“What the fuck dude?”

This prompts Ellie to become a stuttering mess, and Dina snorts out a short bout of laughter, which she tries to stifle with a hand to the mouth.

“You tried to shoot me several times when we met!” she defends herself.

Wave my hand lazily at her and busy myself with eating more of the slop, which I assume is a stew of some kind.

“Doc said she’s gonna be just fine, she’s not bleeding anymore and as long as she stays off her feet for a while she’ll recover quickly” Dina reassures her “you’re not gonna be running off again any time soon are you?” she asks Ellie, giving her a scrutinising look.

Ellie shakes her head, relaxing into the conversation and leaning against the countertop, “I think Tommy’s gonna babysit me himself by the looks of things, and I wanna figure out some kind of plan before I head out again.”

Dina nods in approval, “plans are good, you’re less-likely to get killed that way” she gestures to me, “What about this one, ankles gonna take a while to heal fully.”  She turns to address me directly, “you did a lot of damage walking on it after the initial sprain.”

“What did you want me to do? Teleport? Or sit tight in the woods and disintegrate?” I reply grumpily.

“I’m going to ignore your sarcasm since you’re hopped up on pain meds” Dina looks amusedly at me as I’m scraping that remnants of stew from my bowl.

Ellie smirks a little, crossing her toned arms, “nah, that’s actually the most her she’s been since she woke up.”

The door opens suddenly and a dark-skinned man and the couple from before slip into the room. It feels cramped in here all of a sudden, with six people. Dina stands and takes my empty bowl from me, “I’m gonna get you some more food, be back in a bit” as she exits the room the tension between Tommy and Ellie is palpable.

Before it can be addressed there’s a voice that cuts the tension for us.

“Evening Maggie, you gave us quite a scare” the unfamiliar man claps his hands together lightly, he has a soothing voice, I’m put at ease almost instantly. “I’m the doctor around here, names Miles, you mind if I check up on my handiwork?” he gestures towards my stomach.

I nod and he smiles, moving to lift the sheet and peel back the bandage covering my stomach. There’s no pain and I know that’s the work of the drugs I’d been plied with, but I can’t bring myself to care.

“Thank you for helping me, I don’t think I gave a very good first impression” he simply smiles and continues working as Tommy snorts a little from behind.

“You can say that again, but if Ellie vouches for you, I trust her.” He smiles fondly at the young woman who’s staring at the floor. She looks up at him and there’s a small smile on her face.

“Did she vouch for me? Apparently, she thinks I’m difficult.” I tease her lightly, she throws her hands up and scoffs a little.

Then doctor is nodding and grabbing fresh gauze. As he replaces the bandaging on my stomach “stitches are holding up nicely but I want to check them in the morning, in the meantime, eat some more. Then I’m going to ask you to take a sleeping pill.” I look sideways at him and then back in my lap. I can’t lie, the idea scares me, being out of control in an unfamiliar place. “it’s your choice, and no one will force you, but it’s a good idea. I’ll leave it with Dina so you can think about it, alright?”

I nod, appreciating his kindness, “uh, thank you. I appreciate it.”

“no problem, rest is your best friend right now” he writes something down on the clipboard and continues, “I’m going to get some food, but if you need anything Dina will be around, okay?”

I nod and he leaves the room, leaving Ellie, Tommy and the blonde woman staring at me. I feel small under their gaze and their scrutiny strikes something in me, I avert my eyes, “where is my stuff?”

The woman tenses, “You don’t need your weapons here.”

I think about my bow and Liv’s knife and now that I’m reminded that they’re not there I can feel their absence like a hole in my chest. I understand why they’d want me unarmed but I can’t help but feel sick at the thought of something happening to them. My breaths are coming faster and I’m trying to keep my composure.

Ellie’s eyes widen and she moves in front of me, “hey, your stuff is safe, I took it to my place. Everything’s there, I promise.”

I keep my eyes on her and nod, calming my breathing. Tommy clears his throat a little, “you’re a good shot, I’m sorry if we scared you in the woods back there, I should be thanking you for trying to keep Ellie safe” He has kind eyes, I focus on them, trying to ignore the blonde woman behind him. I can tell he’s trying to keep me relaxed and I commend his efforts.

“I don’t think I was processing, I just saw guns and heard yelling and I reacted, it was just a warning shot, I wasn’t trying to hit you”

“Somehow that’s scarier.” He laughs and Ellie smiles, sitting next to me, she seems happy that we’re getting along. I think that somehow Tommy’s skills lie in bringing out the best in people, but I’m still feeling woozy from the drugs so maybe that’s to blame.

Tommy clears his throat, “well, we can talk more when you’re feeling better, for now get some rest.” I nod and smile, he and the blonde woman leave and as they exit, Dina walks back in with more of the same stew.

The door closes behind her and she walks straight over, handing me the bowl. I dig right in and sigh in relief “this is really good.”

“well it’s good that you’re keeping it down, if you start to feel sick you’ll need to slow down.” She pauses to look at me as she writes something down at the counter, making sure I’m not eating too fast.

I make a point of slowing down and she smirks a little, then something catches my attention, the doctor had said it was evening.

“What time is it?” I ask as I place the bowl down onto my lap, looking between them.

“it’s late, past dinner time, about time for you to be getting some sleep.” Dina motions to the pill that the doctor left, the one that’s supposed to help me sleep and I feel my body go stiff. Ellie reacts instantly, moving forward so she blocks my view of Dina slightly, catching my eye.

“I can stick around if you want, I got some sleep earlier so I can stay up, or if you want to be left alone that’s fine too.”

I feel my eyes get wet, it’s like I can’t control it, and I take a deep breath. I’m not so worried about falling asleep in a strange place, I’d been asleep here for a while, if they’d wanted to hurt me they probably would have by now.

It’s being trapped in sleep that I’m afraid of, trapped in my nightmares, memories that I want to forget but can’t put behind me.

Ellie looks worried by my reaction, “You okay?” she shoots a look in Dina’s direction, who looks just as concerned at my reaction, “No one’s gonna hurt you, okay? You fell asleep around me before, this is just like that right?”

I nod a little, but don’t meet her gaze. Dina clears her throat quietly and we both focus our attention on her, “I need to do some general obs, Ellie, could you wait outside for a minute? I’ll call you back in when I’m done.”

Ellie doesn’t look entirely pleased, I can tell this is a good friend of hers, she’s probably worried about leaving her alone with the crazy girl she found in the woods.

I try to assuage her fears by placing a hand on her arm, “I’m not gonna do anything. I promise.”

She seems to appreciate the reassurance and nods, standing and moving to the door. She shoots one more look between us and closes the door behind her.

As soon as she leaves Dina moves over to me, she’s got a hand-made looking stethoscope, and another cup of water. As she hands it to me, I pass it off onto the bedside table immediately.

Her eyes follow my movement and she raises an eyebrow, I scoff, pointing a finger in her direction, “you drugged me.”

She’s fighting a small smile, placing her hands up in surrender, “In my defence, the rumours about you from the lookouts were pretty insane. How’s your head feeling by the way?” she sits directly next to me on the bed, by my feet, facing me.

I still feel light and fuzzy, “it’s okay, just a little woozy.” She nods in understanding and slowly places the stethoscope against my chest, I can see her listening to my heartrate with concentration in her face. She then leans forward to place it against my back.

In the awkward proximity I avoid eye contact, even if I can tell she’s trying to catch my eye. She removes the stethoscope but doesn’t rise, the clearing of her throat finally makes me look at her.

“why don’t you want to go to sleep?” my eyes widen and I avert my gaze again but she sits, waiting patiently for an answer. After a few seconds I relent, the drugs making it hard for me to remain evasive.

“I have nightmares.” Her expression doesn’t falter, she waits for me to continue, “I’m scared of not being able to wake up from one right away.”

She nods and leans back, “I can’t promise you that won’t happen, but I can promise you that you’ll heal a _lot_ faster if you’re getting regular sleep, then you can get out of here sooner.” She hands me the water again, “I promise you it’s not drugged. Water is good for you too.”

In a show of solidarity, I take a drink, prompting a wide smile from her. “Awesome, and that’s perfect for washing this down.”

She hands me the sleeping pill and I stare down at it, biting my lip. I want to maintain control but I want to be out of here and getting better, I’m sick of the pain and limited movement.

After a moment of indecision, I down the pill, chasing it down with more water. Once it’s down I point a finger in her direction.

“I still don’t trust you.” I try to sound a little intimidating but her expression tells me I didn’t succeed.

“I hope I can change that” she opens the door and calls Ellie back in, Ellie looks Dina up and down and looked a little relieved. I’m honestly flattered she thinks that I’m capable of taking someone down with no weapons in my drug induced state.

She shoots a look over at me and smiles, “hey, trigger finger, feeling any better?”

I make a non-committal sound and give her a thumbs up, that seems good enough and she sits back down in the seat next to me.

I can already feel the drugs starting to take effect, it’ll be due to my weakened state that they’re working so fast. I can hear Ellie and Dina making conversation, the topic on Ellie’s activities during her absence. But after about ten minutes I find myself drifting off into a deep sleep.


	10. chapter 10

Abby runs a hand through her hair and wipes her face of the water that’s dripping down. It’s the fourth morning, four days since her big sister and her surrogate sister were due back, her mind is racing. She barely slept last night, the same as the last few nights, plagued with worries about what might have happened of what could be happening right now.

It’s been all Reagan can do to even get her to bed in the first place, having to drag her away from the map every night tracing the same pattern with her eyes, over and over.

Speak of the devil, Reagan sidles up behind Abby in the mirror, placing a soft kiss in the nape of her neck. Abby fixes her with a look in the mirror, begging for understanding, they have a silent conversation. But there’s no disagreement now, they both know it’s time.

 

******

 

A few hours later, there’s a group of people sitting in the map room, all facing Abby. Reagan is off to the side, switching between watching her partner with concern and looking down at the carefully traced route that marks Olivia and Maggie’s planned path.

“We’re assuming that something happened later in their journey, when they were tired, not on their best game. Olivia and Maggie are both experienced and careful, and we don’t have any other ideas that have solid merit, so we’ve used that to decide on a general search radius.”

Nora, sitting in a seat at the front, is bouncing her leg up and down anxiously. She had been almost unbearable over the past few days, pestering Abby to send out a search party time and time again, several times a day.

“We’re also assuming that they’re alive and injured, we don’t think that they’ve lost their way. Maggie is a good navigator, it’s highly unlikely that they’re simply lost.” Abby moves over to the map and pulls out her notes.

“we want to send out two small teams, one moving directly down their route and another in a southward direction. If they were going to stray, take a shortcut, this is the way they would have gone.”

She turns her attention to the group who are all listening intently. “first group is Reagan, Nora and I. I’m taking volunteers for the second group”

Hands shoot up, after a short deliberation three names are called out, “Morris, Angela and Scott, you’re up. I want both teams to have someone proficient in medicine, Scott, will the medical tent survive without you _and_ Reagan for a week?”

Scott nods, “I’m still learning, there’s another doctor and an apprentice who can pick up the slack. We all want them to come home safe, no one minds working a little harder.” There are nods and sounds of agreement all around and the meeting is pulled to a close. “Okay, I want both teams ready to go by midday, everyone gets a horse. Don’t push them too hard but don’t take it too easy either.”

Once every one files out to start organizing supplies and gossip, probably mostly about the bags under Abby’s eyes and Nora’s agitated behavior, Reagan speaks.

“we’re taking the direct path?”

Abby nods, “I just don’t think they would have strayed off of it unless they really had to.”

Nora moves forward and searches the map with her eyes, “this was a two-week trip, they could be anywhere. Anything could have happened.”

“well we have to start somewhere.” Abby swallows thickly, “we won’t rest until we find them, even if all we find is bodies.”

There’s a solemn silence at this prospect. The girls seem to simultaneously put the thought out of their minds and get to preparing.

 

*******

 

A few hours later the teams are mounting their horses and waiting for the go ahead. Nora’s the last to mount up, making some last-minute adjustments to the supply bags saddled onto her bay-coloured mare. She feels a presence behind her and turns to find her partner, Aaron, approaching her from behind.

They embrace as he approaches, whispering in her ear “You be careful, okay? You’re not immune to everything, remember that”

She runs a hand across his stubbled jaw and places a soft kiss on his waiting lips, pulling away and smiling weakly,

“I’ll be careful, I promise. I have to do this.”

He nods, “I know.” Another chaste kiss. “she’s going to be okay.” He can’t possibly know that, but the reassurance is appreciated all the same.

A few kisses and farewells and Nora mounts her horse, riding up next to her two friends. She’s closer to Aaron and Maggie than anyone else in the camp, her attitude often being too much for people to handle, she’s friends with Abby, Reagan, and Olivia by association mostly.

After almost 6 days of worry, as well as the conversation she had shared with Maggie playing on her mind since she’d left, Nora was at her wits end. She had been trying to get this search party going since the second they’d been due back, her bad feeling growing until her worry showed in everything she did.

 

******

 

It only takes the first team a day and a half of searching to find the bodies. They’d been close to calling it quits for the night when there was a yell from Abby that had Reagan and Nora quickly guiding their horses over to the source of the noise.

Abby had dismounted and was staring at two bodies that were decomposing rapidly on the forest floor around the remnants of a campfire that had long burned out. Abby points at the pack that’s resting on the forest floor, covered in blood, “it’s Olivia’s.” her voice is hollow.

Reagan moves silently to the bodies, bloated and smelling like rotting corpses would, so that Abby doesn’t have to. On closer inspection she lets out a relieved breath, “it’s not them, A man and a woman, the woman was blonde.” The other two both release an air of relief as well.

Nora moves past her to search the surrounding woods, not sparing the bodies a second glance. On closer inspection, Reagan notices that the man has an arrow protruding out of his chest, and his throat has been slit. The woman has an arrow lodged in her neck, frowning, she pulls it out and studies it.

“got two more bodies out here, both dudes.”  Nora’s voice calls out from past the tree line.

Reagan moves over to where she is and sees the two men, one with an arrow in the leg and a knife wound to the throat, the other with knife wounds to the leg and throat. They’re approximately 15 feet apart.

“Fucking massacre, do you think they killed each other?” Nora seems to be trying her best not to breathe through her nose.

Reagan leans down to pull another identical arrow from the man’s leg and tries to hand them both to Nora who takes a step back, her eyes wide, face pulled downward in disgust.

“Do these look familiar to you?” Reagan pushes, still offering them.

Eventually Nora plucks up the courage to grab them and take a closer look, but soon her face grows serious, “These are Mag’s. I’ve seen her practice with them a hundred times.”

The pair share a solemn look at this revelation.

They walk back into the clearing to inspect the arrow in the man’s chest, it’s buried deeply, and it takes a few good tugs to get it out, but it’s identical to the other two.

“What the hell do you think she was doing?” Reagan ponders.

“Maybe they got attacked, Liv dropped her pack in the chaos.” Nora responds, it seems the most likely scenario, as there’s no sign of the women they were searching for.

 

Reagan turns to find Abby, get her opinion and stops short when she spots her facing a tree, a familiar looking machete in her hand. She’s still as stone, it makes the breath leave Reagan’s lungs.

“Abs?” she walks closer and around to look at her face, she’s got a blank expression, staring dumbly at the tree with tears streaming down her face. She places a hand on the tree and looks down, noticing the earth she’s standing on is relatively freshly turned and quickly skirting to the side to avoid standing on it.

Nora pushes forward and reads an inscription on the tree, her hand flying to her mouth she stops and makes connections in her head, her expression getting darker every second. “that stupid fucking bitch.” It’s said with tears in her throat and murk in her voice.

 

Reagan can figure out enough for herself but moves forward to read the carving anyway.

 

_Olivia,_

_The strongest soul,_

_I’ve ever known._

Reagan’s eyes close in anguished silence, Olivia was like a sister to her, and this scene paints a complete picture. Abby moves away, clutching her dead sister’s weapon in her hand and trying to contain the sobs that are now wracking her body.

Reagan moves toward her and pulls her into a backbreaking hug, “I’m sorry sweetheart; I’m so sorry.” There’s nothing else to say, there’s no words to make this better, or if there are she can’t think of them right now.

Reagan holds her inconsolable partner for endless moments. She can hear Nora moving around the space, searching for something through her own tears, swearing often and with increasing severity.

After a while she moves back towards them. “I can’t find any tracks, she has to have gone somewhere.”

Abby looks up at Nora, her face puffy and red, “You think Maggie is alive?” she sounds too hopeful.

“She has to be, she won this fight, there can’t have been anyone else since she had time to bury Olivia.” There’s a gasp of pain from Abby at the mention of her sister, Reagan squeezes her body in an attempt to comfort.

“How long have the bodies been here? you’re a doctor right, you would know?” Nora looks hopefully at Reagan, and Reagan sighs, looking at the girl through her own tear puffed eyes, cheek resting on Abby’s tightly curled locks.

“they look about two weeks or so” Another pained cry from Abby “We can’t find tracks now, it’s going to get dark soon. We should make camp elsewhere and pick this up in the morning when we’ve had some time to calm down.”

It’s clear that Nora wants to argue, but that she also knows that it’s a smart move. They take themselves out of the range of the smell of the putrefying bodies and set up a low effort camp, eating dumbly, not tasting the food. Abby, a mess, and Nora staying quiet and thoughtful.

After a few hours, everyone’s gotten over the shock, Nora speaks.

“A week before they left, Maggie came to my place, she was acting weird. I asked if she and Olivia had been fighting or something and she said that they were fine. Eventually, I got her drunk enough that she started talking about some pretty heavy stuff.”

Reagan and Abby are giving Nora their full attention, this is obviously what she’d been so worried about the past few weeks.

“She told me she thought she was only here because of Olivia, that she felt out of place, like she didn’t belong without her. You know how they lived in each other’s pockets all the time? We haven’t been seeing each other as much lately, she was saying if it weren’t for Liv she might not have a place with us.

“I’ve been worried since they left, that if something happened to Olivia that she wouldn’t come back. And fucking hell, turns out I was right.”

Nora lets out a long-winded breath, tears thick in her throat. “She’s my _best_ friend. If there’s a chance she’s still alive I _need_ to find her. I just told her she was being an idiot, I didn’t listen. We’re four days walk from St. Cloud, and you said it yourself, she wouldn’t have gotten lost.”

Reagan tries to temper her emotions, “She said that? That she doesn’t feel welcome?”

Abby lets out a pitiful sniffle and a breath that turns into a whine.

“I didn’t really let her elaborate, did I? I told her she was being an idiot and gave her more alcohol.”

Reagan can tell the girls are at a breaking point in their emotions, “let’s get some sleep and figure this all out in the morning, okay?”

Everyone nods and there’s no more conversation that night, just the soft sounds of Abby crying onto Reagans shoulder and the crackling of the fire.

 

******

 

I open my eyes to the darkness of night and I see my little cabin in St. Cloud, there’s a faint candle light in the window and I sigh in frustration, knowing that I’m in trouble. I’m dead on my feet, emotionally and physically exhausted, all I want to do is collapse in bed.

I finished up with the doctor and got myself cleaned up from the night that Nora and I spent outside the settlement. I’d been kept busy all afternoon/evening as Reagan examined me from top to bottom, keeping me under observation to make sure I wasn’t infected as well. Nora wasn’t so lucky, the bite on her leg meant that she would be kept in a locked room, under observation for at least another one or two days.

They were being overly cautious, she would have started to show signs in the 24 hours since she’d been bitten, but immunity to the infected was so rare that they could barely believe it. They decided it was better to be safe than sorry.

I hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Liv all day, that’s how I knew I was fucked, that she knew what had happened. She would usually be hovering over me, making sure I was okay, not letting me out of her sight for a second. But when I don’t see her, that’s when I know she’s so livid she can’t even look at me.

Falling asleep next to a bitten person was the stupidest thing I could have possibly done, the fact that Nora seems to be immune is probably the only reason that I’m alive right now.

I trudge up to the door and brace myself, spending all of last night crying into Nora and all of today undergoing every medical exam known to man was enough to make me dread the impending argument. Abby and Reagan are sleeping in the examination room overnight, making sure Nora doesn’t deteriorate, so there’s nothing to interrupt the fight I know is coming.

I open the door gingerly, the light is coming from the bedroom that Liv and I share, I gather my courage and push the door open. The first thing I see is Liv curled up on the small couch next to the window, staring outside, I know she saw me coming.

She doesn’t acknowledge me as I enter.

I put my filthy jacket on the hook behind the door, that’ll need to be cleaned thoroughly, and turn to face Liv. We sit in silence for several long moments.

“Are you okay?” her voice permeates the silence, she’s still not looking at me.

“Yes, I’m fine.” I try to keep any attitude out of my voice, knowing that it would just make the whole fight worse.

“Good.” She turns her head sharply to look at me, “What the fuck were you thinking?” it’s sharp but she doesn’t sound angry, there’s no yelling, just exasperation and disbelief.

“Liv, I—”

“Don’t even try to explain this away, Nora told me herself that you fell asleep next to her, when she was _bitten_.” She stands and moves over to where I am.  she looks down at me and there’s a look of disbelief on her face “How could you do that to me? to her? How could you be so fucking careless?”

I look down, I can’t stand looking into her eyes when there’s that much concern in them.

“Will you please _look at me!?”_ the volume of her voice rises as her sentence goes on. 

I raise my eyes and look her in the eye, letting out a shaky breath, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking, it was my fault she was out there. I thought she was going to die--”

I can’t continue as a watery sob forces its way out of my mouth and I hear Liv move away, letting out an angry sigh as she tries to calm herself down. I know she wants us to be okay before she comforts me, she never wants to comfort me when she’s angry, especially if she’s angry at me.

The next second there’s a hand on my shoulder and another lifting my chin to face her.

“Listen to me Maggie, _hear me_ , it _is_ your fault. This is all your fault. If you hadn’t begged her to go with you, she wouldn’t have gotten bitten.” My eyes go wide, something about this feels wrong, even when she’s angry Liv would never say anything like that to me.

“If you hadn’t pushed so hard, if you weren’t such a fucking do-gooder, none of this would have happened” her voice is harsh, I don’t recall her voice ever sounding this ugly.

The next second, the pressure on my shoulder is gone, and I become aware of just how tightly she’d been gripping me as pain radiates down my arm. Then I blink, and I’m stumbling through the woods, my own hand gripping my shoulder. There’s blood spilling from the arrow that had sliced through it.

All around me there are bodies, I’m wading in a muddy swamp of blood, thickly coating my bare feet as I run. I stumble and fall next to one of the bodies. it’s Liv’s lifeless face, cold eyes burning into me. I reach out to touch her and she disintegrates into dirt.

I bring myself to my feet, all of the bodies have her face, and they all disappear into dirt where I touch them. “they’re not real, not real.” I murmur frantically to myself as I run.

Her voice is everywhere and nowhere all at once. “I _won’t put you in danger like that. The only reason I’m even considering it is your ridiculous need to take care of every stray you meet.”_

I sob at her words, “Olivia! Liv, please, where are you!? Don’t leave me!” my breaths are coming faster now, more panicked. I can’t breathe and I find my knees falling out from under me.

I look up and come face to face with another body, this is the real one, I don’t know how I know it. Maybe it’s the little stream of blood that’s falling from her mouth, or the fact that her eyes aren’t lifeless, but boring into mine. Angry and judgemental.

“Olivia, I’m so sorry, I did this. My fault, it’s all my fault.”

Those words, my fault, are repeating again and again. It sounds like me, but my hand is covering my mouth in horror as her eyes blink at me, the blood flow increasing so that it’s pouring out of her mouth.

“Maggie!? Fuck! Wake up!” there’s another voice, but mine still persists, drowning it out “ _my fault, my fault, my fault.”_

***

I shoot up in bed, narrowly missing Ellie’s head as she pulls away just in time, I’m breathing heavily and I can’t seem to get it under control.

“Hey, relax okay!? It just me!”

There are suddenly arms around me and I focus on Ellie’s heartbeat as she embraces me.

Over the last week we’ve gotten something like a routine down, five out of seven nights I’ve started screaming in my sleep. The first night it happened, that first night in the medical bay, I couldn’t get out of the dream. I’d almost punched Ellie in my panic and it took three people holding me down to keep me from hurting someone.

After that I refused to take the sleeping pill. No matter how much Dina and Doctor Miles assured me that it was a freak thing, almost never happened.

I’d only spent one night in the medical bay, there was no reason for me to keep taking up one of the rooms when Ellie’s hut had a perfect good bed for me to use.

It was, or is, Joel’s room. But he’s not here to use it right now, and the bed is one of the most comfortable things I’ve slept on for a long time. The last week has consisted of eating, not moving apart from showering once or twice, and daily physical therapy sessions to get my ankle feeling better.

Dina has been coming by every day for the PT, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know her, despite a somewhat rocky beginning. She has a calming aura about her, probably something she’s learned from the doctor she’s working under.

I’ve also met Jesse once, he accompanied Dina to see me one afternoon while he’d come to collect Ellie for a patrol. He was nice, kind of an ass, he reminded me a little of Nora. He and Ellie had ribbed each other good naturedly the entire time he’d been here, and Ellie had shot Dina and I a smile as she’d left, promising she’d be back in a couple of hours.

“I’ll try not to be too difficult while you’re gone.”

Ellie huffs, annoyed, as a bark of laughter sounds from Jesse who’s already out the door, “Am I ever gonna hear the end of that?”

Once they’d left Dina had spoken with a smile on her face, “You know she _did_ say  that you’re difficult, but also that you’re a good person, asked me to look out for you.”

I’d frowned at that, and averted my gaze, “she doesn’t know me well enough to know if I’m a good person.”

The rest of the night had been stiff and subdued, I’d already been in bed by the time Ellie returned from patrol, pretending to sleep when she poked her head in the door.

 

Bringing my mind to the present I focus on Ellie’s heartbeat and bid myself to calm down. The nightmares had never been that vivid, I felt the sensation of blood filled boots, the pain in my shoulder. As I push the memories out of my mind and focus on the thumping of her heart, the same thing we’d been doing all week.

“Good, just breathe, you’re in Jackson. You’re safe.”

Once my breathing is under control I move away and she lets me go immediately. I sit back against the headboard and sigh, I don’t bother to apologize again as she sends me a sad smile. I look out the window into the soft darkness with a tinge of blue, “what time is it?”

Ellie looks outside, “suns coming up in a bit, maybe an hour and a half.”

I nod and lean back again, suddenly the pain in my shoulder aches again, I frown and pull my short sleeves up. My shoulder, right where I was shot, is sporting a hand shaped bruise. The wound, which is long since scabbed over, is marred a deep red that will eventually darken to purple.

My brows furrow and Ellie, noticing where my attention lies, is looking closely at my shoulder as well.

“Did I do that?” I ask, looking confused.

Her eyes flicker to mine and she stands, and moves to exit the room, “I think I’ve got something for that.”


	11. Chapter 11

I move around the space while Ellie is gone, lighting a few candles to get better light in the dark of early morning, electricity is still a precious commodity and is used scarcely here.

Ellie returns after a few minutes with two steaming mugs and a jar of something held under her elbow.

She sits on the bed next to me and hands me one of the mugs, as I grab it I smell the familiar scent of the tea that I’ve been drinking almost non-stop here. I inhale and sigh in contentment, holding the warm mug tightly in my hands to leech some of the comforting warmth. Ellie takes a small sip of hers, then places her mug on the bedside table, taking the lid off the jar and moving to get a better look at the bruise forming on my shoulder.

“Pretty bad tonight, huh?” she asks as she dabs the cream on the bruise. I nod and take a sip of the tea, trying to remove myself from the possibility of having to talk about the particularly disturbing dream.

“It was just vivid, more than usual. Sorry for waking you up again.” my voice is grumbly and there’s a tone of guilt to it. She must be getting worse sleep than me, it’s not like she doesn’t have her own problems to deal with.

She just chuckles a little, “it’s almost sunrise anyway, I’m talking shop with Tommy later so I don’t mind being up.”

There’s silence for a bit and I can tell she’s ruminating on something, I wait patiently for her to say what she wants to say. Eventually my patience is rewarded, unfortunately what she wants to say makes my blood run cold.

“What was your fault?” she doesn’t stop applying the cream to my shoulder, but her eyes cut to me, trying to gauge my reaction.

It feels like all of the air is sucked out of the room, I stare at the wall, trying not to show any emotional response.

I drink my tea, not answering, I can’t pretend I haven’t heard her for long. Turns out I don’t need to respond, she beats me to it.

“You were screaming it over and over in your sleep, that’s what woke me up. You can’t keep this shit inside forever you know? You need to talk to someone about it. Doesn’t have to be me, but…”

I’ve only known her for a week and a half, but we’ve definitely grown more casual with each other, and I know she deserves something. Especially after putting up with my shit with no complaints all this time. Besides, there’s common ground between us and a feeling of familiarity that I can’t quite put into words.

I take a deep breath and try to flood all my emotions out so I can speak without breaking down. She seems to sense that I’m preparing for something and gives me her full attention.

“I was on a supply run with someone. Someone special to me. we were on the last leg of the trip, about four days away from St. Cloud, when we ran into some survivors. They wanted to travel with us and she…” I trail off, I can’t bring myself to speak her name.

“Olivia?” I jolt slightly at Ellie’s voice, she pauses for a second and then continues, “You’ve been screaming her name every night, and you called me that in the woods when your brain was all fuzzy.”

I don’t answer her, I figure I don’t need to, I can feel my eyes welling with tears as I continue.

“She didn’t want them to come with us, but I convinced her, I wanted to help them. She always said I was too trusting.” A tear escapes my eye but Ellie doesn’t comment.

“Turns out they’d been watching us for a while, they knew we had decent medical supplies and wanted to separate us so they could get to them without the risk. I went hunting with one of them, she wasn’t happy about splitting up but I convinced her to do that too.”

“What happened?” Ellie doesn’t sound judgmental, just curious, she already knows the ending to this story.

“We were coming back and I heard arguing, then there was a gunshot.” I take a deep, sharp breath in to try and offset the sob that I can feel bubbling to the surface. “I murdered everyone in that camp but I couldn’t save her. She died telling me to get myself to safety, always protecting me, even while she was dying.”

A long breath out punctuates the end of my story, as my emotions flood over, I’m soon sobbing quietly into my hand. The other one taken up by the mug of tea, hot liquid that’s now shaking dangerously. 

The mug is pulled from my grasp and set down, the next second arms encircle me for the second time that morning. We embrace for a few long seconds, “I’m sorry Maggie, I can’t even imagine… I’m not going to tell you it’s not your fault, because you won’t believe me.”

I choke on a sob and the arms around me tighten and we’re silent for a few seconds, until she starts speak, her voice low and solemn.

“When all of this infection shit started, Joel had a daughter, Sarah. when all hell broke loose she got killed in the crossfire.” She stops talking and leans away from me, pulling open a drawer next to the bed and shuffling around inside for a little bit, eventually putting something in front of my face.

I turn and try to focus out of my puffy eyes, it’s a photo of a man and a little girl, around 11 or 12 years old. They’re both smiling and she’s holding up a trophy. It’s the first time I’ve seen Joel, I can tell the photo is old and worn.

“He blamed himself for her death for a long time. When I met him, 20 years later, he was mean and bitter. He’s come a long way, even if he’s still an ass sometimes… I think you two might have a lot to talk about.”

I look at her, she’s close to me, an arm around my shoulder and her eyes flicking from the photo to meet my gaze. Usually this proximity would make me uncomfortable, but I feel at ease, the atmosphere is comforting.

“You love him a lot, don’t you?” I ask.

Her smile is automatic when she replies, “He’s my home.”

I smile softly through the tears, trying to project a feeling of understanding.

She looks away and hands me my tea, grabbing hers as well, it’s enough to break the comfortable tension that’s been brewing between us.

“Will you tell me about her?” she phrases it as casually as she can, but there’s still an obvious interest there. “Olivia?”

My emotions are tapped out, the thought of the toll that subject would take on me, I bite my lip and look at her. After a second of indecision I place a hand on hers, prompting her to look at me, “I will, one day.”

The implication makes her smile. She squeezes my shoulder with the arm still slung over me and moves to get up.

“Get some sleep, okay? You look like shit”

I laugh a little and watch as she exits, turning over to try and get a few more hours of sleep before the settlement officially awakens.

 

*****

 

It’s late afternoon and Dina is standing next to me where I sit on the bed, her arms crossed, a frown gracing her pretty face. Ellie is leaning against a desk, located against a wall behind her, with an amused expression on her face.

“No way. It’s too soon, you’re still healing.” Dina is trying to seem immovable, but I can see through her.

“I feel fine! And I’m going crazy stuck in this bed. I promise if it’s too much I’ll stop.”

Ellie had gone to meet with Tommy earlier this morning and now she was getting ready to go out on patrol with Jesse, I’d tentatively asked if I could go along. She agreed, pending approval from my physical therapist.

“But you’re recovering so well! If you do any more damage it could be a six-week recovery process, then you’ll _really_ be going crazy!”

I groan pathetically and pout, “Please…”

She turns to shoot Ellie a frustrated look, “Could you help me out here? What do you think about all this?”

Ellie gives a shrug, “She’s a stubborn ass,”

“Hey!” my indignant shout goes ignored.

“But I trust her judgement, if she thinks she can handle it then I don’t see the harm. Why don’t we walk out to the gates as a test, see how that goes? We can make a decision from there.”

My smile brightens, my physical therapy had upgraded over the last few days to tentatively walking, and I was hooked on the small taste of control. I extend an open hand to gesture to Ellie, “that’s perfectly reasonable!”

Dina makes a frustrated sound, “Fine. fine! But the second it hurts you’re sitting it out! I will _not_ be happy if you undo all my hard work.”

“Yes!” I cheer, my smile is wide and matched by Ellie’s.

 

A tentative walk around the common area of the tiny house gives me a small twinge, but more from disuse than anything else. Once I get going the pain fades, not completely, but it’s much better than at the beginning of the week.

“How does it feel?” Dina is looking uneasy, she looks ready to catch me if my ankle gives out. I can see Ellie studying me, probably to see if I’m bullshitting.

“Honestly, it’s better, it feels fine” I can barely control my smile at the prospect of fresh air and sunshine.

“Better doesn’t necessarily mean good.” I respond to her grumbled retort by grabbing my bow and knife and walking towards the door. Dina just scoffs as she and Ellie move to follow.

 

*****

 

We’re almost to the front gate of what I’ve found out is actually an old dam. Preparing himself at a table full of weapons is a relaxed looking Jesse, who turns to look as we approach.

“Look who decided to get off her ass” he smirks, “you done with bed rest already?”

I grin and join him at the table, I’m so elated from getting to stretch my legs I can barely feel the pain.

“Finally!” I look at a pile of arrows and grab one to examine it.

“She is _not_ done recovering. This is just a trial, one that I am completely against, by the way.” Dina is pulled back a ways by Ellie.

“You’re coming out? How’d you clear that with worry wart over there?” he looks toward Dina and Ellie, who I can hear conversing about my state.

 

_“She’s limping, it’s obviously hurting.”_

_“She’s not trying to hide it, which means it’s not that bad, she’ll be fine.”_

_“I don’t know.”_

I’m pulled out of the conversation by a pistol entering my vision. I look up to see Jesse, smirk still in place, holding it out to me. I shake my head and grab a small handful of arrows. Tommy walks up behind us and notices my choice in weapon.

“I noticed you don’t have any guns on you, why is that? Don’t know how to shoot em?”

I see Jesse listening in and I smile a little, “Ammunition is hard to come by, even harder to make. I can make a bow out of nothing and Arrows from even less. It’s convenience mostly. I also like the weight of pulling a bow, I feel more in control that way.”

Tommy nods, but he doesn’t look particularly convinced. “Joel uses a bow on occasion, well, you take as many of them arrows as you need.”

I nod in thanks as he walks away, then Ellie steps forward and grabs the pistol that Jesse’s still holding.

“Hey! What the hell butch?”

She pokes her tongue out at him, “you were givin’ it away anyway!” then she turns to me, “Dina’s convinced enough. Ready when you are”

I smile and place the well-crafted arrows into my quiver, “sweet, can’t wait to stretch my legs a bit.”

Ellie nods, “the second it starts hurting too much you tell me, deal?”

“Deal.”

 

******

 

We’re an hour into patrolling the perimeter when I stop, squinting into the forest, something catching my eye. After a few seconds Ellie realizes I’m not keeping up and stops short, putting a hand on Jesse’s shoulder to stop him, they both turn to look at me with raised eyebrows.

“Your ankle okay?” she’s moving towards me now and I shush her as she approaches. I can see the flickering of firelight in the tree line, in the opposite direction of Jackson, someone’s camping out very close to the perimeter but purposely out of sight from inside the settlement.

I point out the flickering as both she and Jesse reach me, my ankle had been starting to hurt but the potential danger had distracted me from it almost immediately.

“Who the hell….” Jesse has joined us now and squints into the quickly darkening evening, he pulls his shotgun from his back. I pull out my bow as well and feel a hand on my shoulder instantly.

“Woah, slow down, we should call for backup. This could be something dangerous, or it could be nothing at all. If we jump the gun on this we could seriously fuck something up.”

Ellie is looking at me very seriously, but Jesse cuts in.

“Come on, we’re here, this is our job. Let’s _go.”_ He starts to move toward the firelight, Ellie is visibly not convinced and he stops, exasperated, “we’re not gonna start shooting, but it’d be nice to have something to report, a _little_ more information than ‘campfire’ in the forest.”

I give Ellie a wide eyed look and a shrug. Then I move to join him, effectively removing her hand from my shoulder.

Jesse and I inch forward, weapons drawn. From behind me I hear a quiet, “ _shit.”_ And then I can feel Ellie’s presence behind me.

 

Once we’re closer we can see three men and a woman sitting around a fire, as they’re conversing I can see several weapons leaning against a rock facing us. We’re far enough away to remain hidden but not close enough to hear what they’re saying.

Frustration creeping up on me I inch forward to try and hear their conversation, suddenly I feel a tug on my shirt, I turn to see Ellie with a murderous look on her face.

“Don’t you dare.” she hisses, pulling me back slightly.

I frown and lean over to whisper in her ear, “What if we don’t do anything and then _they_ do something?”

“What if they fucking kill us, and then attack Jackson?”

I notice as we’re having our whispered conversation that Jesse has already moved forward, crouching low in the brush to remain hidden. pull out of Ellie’s grip to follow behind, leaving without more information seems dangerous to me, Ellie scoffs behind me but follows.

I move to stand next to Jesse, finally we’re close enough to make out what the people are saying.

 

“—the old man doesn’t give us anything soon we won’t have a choice” one of the men, facing away from us is speaking. He has a gruff voice and is fingering a rifle as he speaks.

“I still think it’s too risky, we can’t get close enough to tell if she’s even here, and there’s too many people in there for us to take. Even if we went for backup.”

I give Ellie a wide-eyed look, her brows are furrowed, she’d clearly interested in the conversation now. The sky has started to rapidly darken around us, concealing us even further.

“We’re not half as strong as we need to be, we’re still recruiting, we just need more time.”

The woman cuts in, “if we weren’t fucking ready, then why’d we grab the old man?” they all sound tired and angry.

“Ease of opportunity. If he’s more trouble than he’s worth we can always kill him.”

 

I cut a look over to Ellie and see her eyes glazed over in a kind of fury. Now it’s my turn to grab at her, making sure she doesn’t go anywhere.

Her expression is harsh as she looks to me and I shake my head, whispering so quietly as to remain hidden. “we know they’re hostile, we can go and get backup.”

“They’re talking about Joel, they know where he is.” She moves forward machete first and I move to grab at her, but the bush we’re hiding behind rustles with her movement.

Everyone freezes, the three of us and the four figures sitting around the fire are silent in the night.

In the silence I grab an arrow and try to silently draw my bow, I can’t conceal the sound of the arrow being removed from the quiver and my eyes shut as the scraping sound localizes our location.

“What the fuck was that?” the man holding the rifle stands and turns in our direction, the other three move to grab their weapons as we take cover as we all hold our breath, not daring to make a sound.


	12. Chapter 12

Hell breaks loose in what feels like minutes of tense stand-off but was probably only a few seconds. The thugs are moving toward our hiding spot and Ellie is too worked up to attempt to sneak away, their conversation about Joel enraging her beyond belief. I can see her machete gleaming in her hand and I know we’re not getting out of this without a fight.

In an attempt to even the playing field a little I draw my bow tight and take stock of the four people currently searching for us, there’s a man with a stained wifebeater covered by a canvas jacket, he has a full beard and is carrying a machete himself. His angle makes him an easy target and a sure-fire way to take out.

I look to Ellie and give her a meaningful look, one that thankfully makes her nod and with a deep, steadying breath in, I loose the arrow. I’m aiming for his head, but I miscalculate, the arrow sinking into his shoulder instead.

He lets out a loud cry and a bullet sails past me, now that I’ve revealed my position, narrowly missing me. Our positions given away, Ellie surges forward with an enraged yell and aims low, slicing the back of the apparent leader’s knee, he falls with a pained gasp and attempts to right himself.

As I prepare to shoot again, hoping to finish off my initial target, I notice Jesse locked in combat with the Brunette woman. She was obviously attempting to use a pistol, but due to his surprise of engaging her in close combat, is now attempting to wrestle with a large knife that seems to be stuck in her belt.

Jesse, who has his knife at the ready, tries to plunge it into her stomach. She moves out of the way just in time, her knife now free and grasped in her hand. He’s shaky in his footing from the misstep and as he’s attempting to right himself, the woman makes an attempt to slice at his neck.

Watching this unfold in short seconds, I shoot an arrow in her direction, aiming for the knife wielding hand. I miss my target again, but I manage to scrape her forearm, the arrow slicing skin but disappearing into the night. The knife in her hand falls as she pulls her hand to her chest and panic in written on her face as Jesse moves to take advantage of the opportunity.

I don’t see anything more as I feel a force collide with my body, from the floor I turn to see another man holding a machete looming over me. He moves to pull me up and I take the opportunity to grab my knife from my belt.

I can see the man I shot first getting up and looking over in my direction as I’m pulled against the muscled man’s chest. I feel something against my throat and I know it’s a large blade of some kind. I go still at the feeling, and the bearded man pulls out a pistol and aims it directly against my temple. I feel the cold metal against my head and take a deep breath, trying to remain still so that the knife at my throat remains harmless.

I notice Ellie shove the man she cut, who was just starting to get up, favouring his good leg. But her gaze drops onto me and her eyes go wide. As she moves to step towards me I shake my head, almost unnoticeably, and she stops in her tracks.

When I move, I feel the edge of the blade slice slightly into my skin. The man holding me notices Ellie’s attention on us and cocks his head up at her.

“Who the fuck are you!?” he growls, I feel him push the blade into my throat. Now I can feel a small trickle of blood running down my neck.

Behind Ellie, I can see Jesse sliding the woman’s own knife out from her gut, pushing her to the floor. When he turns in our direction his eyes widen at the scene. He rushes forwards and uses his pistol to smash the guy that Ellie was fighting over the head, knocking him out cold.

“Let her go!” He’s holding his pistol up, aiming at the guy with his gun against my temple.

“Tell us who you are, then we’ll slaughter you and be on our way.”

Ellie looks like she’s imploding, looking slightly helpless, I see her shift her machete in her hand.

“Where the hell is Joel!?”

I see the man in my peripheral look up sharply at her words, yes, this is my opportunity. With his attention no longer focused on me, I ready the knife in my hand, it’s angled painfully behind me back due to the man’s one-armed grip but I manage to have some semblance of control.

“Is this the fucking kid?!” the blonde dude hisses at my captor, the hand holding the blade stiffens, and I feel a dash of pain in my throat at the motion. I use the pain as motivation to jam my knife into the fleshy but solid stomach behind me. the distracted men start, and I use their distraction to push the arm holding the blade away, clearing it enough to duck my head down. A bang sounds and I can almost feel the air of the bullet as it misses my head by centimeters.

There’s another bang and the sound of a body hitting the floor as I turn back and shove my knife into the muscled man’s neck, pulling it out and stabbing it in a second time, right in the spot that will have him bleeding out in minutes. The machete that he’d been holding to my neck falls to the forest floor.

With all the threats neutralized the three of us stand in silence for a few seconds, too shocked to move, stuck processing how quickly everything went to shit.

Jesse moves over to me and leans down to look at what I presume is a pronounced red line on my neck.

“it’s not too deep, should be fine to wait till we’re back to clean it up, all good everywhere else?” he’s all business, not a hint of a joke or smartass remark. 

I nod, taking a look at him as well, there’s blood staining his leg.

He notices me looking and grasps my shoulder, “not mine, thanks to you, you’re a good shot.”

I share a smile with him and then move my gaze in Ellie’s direction, she’s looking down at the unconscious man with disgust on her face.

I start to move over to her and almost fall as my ankle smarts, I catch myself on a tree before I can go down, not expecting the sudden burst of pain.

“Ellie.” Jesse’s voice comes from behind me and she shoots a look in our direction, almost like out of a trance.

“You good?” Jesse’s voice is serious and at her nod of affirmation he moves past me, heading in her direction.

“He’s alive.” Her voice sounds tense and hollow, “he knows where Joel is.”

I sigh and move forward, the pain in my ankle subsides after the initial shock of movement, and I head to a pile of bags sitting in a group near the remaining weapons.

A cursory glance through them reveals not much of interest; a few bandages, some old packets of food, a knife with a strange symbol on it that I hold onto, and a length of sturdy rope.

I walk over and hand the rope to Ellie, “we can take him back.”

“woah, you think Tommy and Maria are gonna go for that? Torture for information?” Jesse looks mildly perturbed.

Ellie interjects, “Let’s not jump straight to torture, he might tell us on his own. Besides,” a murderous look crosses her face, “I’m sure Tommy will make an exception where Joel’s involved.”

 

*******

 

It’s almost pitch black when I approach the main gates of the Jackson settlement. We were due back not long ago and I’m met with Tommy, Maria, and Dina. Tommy and Maria both look furious at the sight of me, alone, while Dina looks angry until she see’s the red line across my neck, anger replaced with concern.

“Where the hell are Ellie and Jesse!?” Maria looks livid, looking past me into the night, trying to spot the two people who left with me.

Before I can answer Dina storms forward and looks at the wound, “Are you okay? Where is everyone else!? What happened.”

I take her wrists in my hands and calmly move them away from my neck, “They’re fine, they’re coming, they’re right behind me.” my hands are raised towards Maria and Tommy, trying to show that they’re empty and I mean no harm.

They had taken the tied up, unconscious body between them and had sent me to warn the town about what was coming.

“We found some assholes in the woods, they were talking about Joel, they know where he is. Ellie and Jesse are bringing one of them here but he’s knocked out.” I rush to explain, trying to give enough detail but still keep it short and concise.

Tommy and Maria look over my shoulder and rush past me, I assume that Jessie and Ellie have caught up by now, I take a look at Dina. She’s still standing in front of me, shooting worried glances back towards them, but after a second she looks at me.

“How’s your leg?”

“It’s a little sore but not bad.”

“How did this happen?” her fingers are tracing the edges of the red line in my neck, her eyes furrowed, a troubled look on her face.

I shoot her an awkward smile, “one of the guys grabbed me, tried to hold me hostage, but I got loose enough to stab him.”

Her eyes go wide and she takes a step back, letting out a breath and shaking her head, seemingly troubled. She moves past me toward Ellie who’s approaching from behind, having been relieved of her burden, I can see a couple of guys carrying the unconscious body in the direction of the medical building.

“Are you okay?” Ellie is now the one being fussed over. Not wanting to intrude I leave the friends to talk and move over to Tommy and Maria, who are talking with Jesse, looking troubled.

Their attention turns to me as I approach, “there she is, hell of a shot, probably saved my life.” Jesse’s hand comes down on my shoulder.

Maria looks a little guilty, maybe for jumping down my throat when I came ahead, she gestures to my wound. “that have something to do with that?”

I clear my throat, trying to look her in the eye, attempting to put our past tensions aside. “I got caught off guard, they tried to use me as a hostage.”

“Yeah but you didn’t let em’ did you?” Jesse’s describing the story with enthusiasm, “these guys have her with a machete to the throat and a gun to the head and she just fucking stabs one of them, then dodges a bullet.”

I shake my head at their wide-eyed looks, “Ellie distracted them, I’d be dead if it wasn’t for her.” That reminds me, I pull out the knife that was in their stuff and hand it to Tommy, “this was with their stuff, that symbol, it almost looks like—”

“--A firefly” Tommy’s eyebrows get low as he looks at the symbol on the knife, seemingly confused. “You said they were talking about Joel?”

“They’ve got him, I think they’re looking for me.” Ellie approaches from behind, she spots the knife in Tommy’s hand and grabs it, studying the hilt, “what the fuck!? This is the fireflies’, how is that possible?”

She looks in the direction of the medical building and her face is still clouded in anger, “we need to question that guy, I need to know where they’re keeping him.”

I want to comfort her, calm her down, but I feel like I’m intruding on emotions that I know nothing about. Tommy moves to grasp her shoulders, “we’ll find him, okay? But you need to rest up and find your reason, pick this up when you can think clearly.”

She looks like she’s about to argue, but thinks better of it, taking a deep breath and nodding at Tommy.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” She looks a lot calmer now and Tommy’s no longer gripping her like she’s about to run off to beat the information out that guy. “You all need a medical check, but I don’t want you anywhere near the medical building right now. Dina, could you check Jess over while the girls get cleaned up then check them over after?”

Dina nods and grabs Jesse by the elbow, leading him away from our group while Tommy and Maria start heading over to the medical building. Ellie still looks troubled as we head back to her tiny house to get cleaned up, but the silence between us is deafening.

 

*****

I’m heading back from the shower block, shivering after standing under the cold water for too long. I’m dressed in comfortable pants and a large shirt, my wet hair dripping down my back. I’m still slightly damp, in too much of a rush to get warm clothes on to bother drying completely.

As I get inside, I see Ellie and Dina sitting at the table in the center of the room. Their conversation stops abruptly as I enter, I shoot them a tight smile and walk straight into the room I’m staying, trying not to bother their obviously private conversation.

I lean on the desk and place my head in my hands, letting out a breath, trying to let go of the adrenaline of the past few hours. While I’m waiting for Dina to come and perform a medical check, I have plenty of time to think. The conversation one room over doesn’t seem to start back up.

I can’t be sure that they were talking about me when I walked in, but the looks on their faces when they went silent makes the thoughts swim to the surface of my brain.

Tonight, I’d seen a similar rage in Ellie that I’d seen in myself the night that Liv died, grief mixed with fury and anguish that has no outlet other than physical. It’s a testament to how she feels for Joel, and how much is at stake here for her.

I test my ankle out on the ground, it’s hurting more than it was this morning, but not nearly enough for me to suspect that I’ve caused more damage. It’s only been a week since I’d started the recovery process but I make the decision then that I want to help Ellie find him.

I don’t have anywhere to go, I should make myself useful, helping Ellie find Joel would give me some kind of purpose. The only issue being that I’m probably not fit to go on a trip like that yet, and who knows how soon we’ll have information on his whereabouts, I’m likely to be left behind.

 

 As I’m ruminating on this the door creaks open and Dina’s head peaks through, she gives me a tight smile when she sees my position and opens the door fully. As she walks towards me she grabs a blanket that’s sitting on a chair next to the door and promptly throws it over my shoulders.

“You’re all wet, you must be freezing, do you have any self-preservation instincts at all?” she shepherds me to sit on the bed and then turns her back on me, lighting candles to shed some light for her to work by.

I take a second to think about the feeling of a machete against my throat and the cold metal of a gun against my temple, and I’m unable to conjure up any strong feelings. I wanted to get out of the situation, but I wasn’t fearing for my life, there was too much at stake in the moment. The risk to Jesse and Ellie, or the possibility of Jackson feeling the wrath of whatever organization we’d stumbled across and pissed off. I recognize the unhealthy habit that I’d started to form, of not putting my own survival into thought by simply being apathetic, but I put the implications to the back of my mind.

“Where are you?” my thoughts quiet as I look at Dina, who’s watching me with a sad smile. She leans down and takes a look at the line across my neck, after a few seconds of observing she turns and opens a steel box that’s revealed to carry medical supplies, she pulls out a sanitary wipe and starts to gingerly dab at the wound.

I let out a quiet steadying breath and her face scrunches up, but she remains as gentle as she can as she cleans it thoroughly. I’m silent as she dries the area, the feeling of awkwardness resulting from our earlier interaction, I can’t quite put a finger on the reason for it.

“I’m sorry about the way I reacted before, when you told me about stabbing that guy? Ellie told me what happened, how much danger you were in. I don’t get out there much, and I don’t often run into other survivors, just the occasional infected. It just made me think about how we don’t really know you, and how dangerous that can be, how dangerous you could be.” She clears her throat and looks up to my face.

“But Jesse told me that you only got into that situation cause you saved his ass, and Ellie seems to really trust you, so thank you…”

I look her in the eye and nod and she gives me a wide smile. Breaking eye contact, she leans down and grasps my sore ankle in her hand, massaging and feeling around for any discrepancies.

“doesn’t feel swollen, any pain?”

I shrug and nod, “no more than expected.”

She laughs at this, “what does that _mean?”_ her laughter is contagious, and soon we’re both giggling, the mood is lightened instantly.

 A few seconds later I sober up, looking towards the door, “how is she?” Dina frowns and follows my gaze, leaving her position on the floor and moving to sit next to me on the bed, her hands supporting her from behind as she sighs.

“I don’t know, Joel’s a soft spot for her, for ages when they got here those two were inseparable.” She looks troubled, “I’m worried about her getting herself hurt by being reckless about this, but I can’t really say anything because Joel means so much to her, I don’t wanna step on toes.”

I can understand both sides, they both want to protect the people they care about. I look at her face, drawn in worry, and place a hand on her knee. She feels this and smiles up at me.

“I’ll try and keep her safe.”

She looks up in surprise, looking like a mix between grateful and wanting to scold me, “not if your ankle isn’t healed you won’t,” but after a second she leans forward and wraps her arms around my middle.  

A few seconds of stunned surprise comes over me at the unexpected contact and I lift my arms to come across her shoulders, squeezing her comfortingly.

“Thanks Mags. It helps to know there’s someone looking out for her.”

The nickname jolts something in my and the next second I’m clinging to her even tighter, I hear her let out a chuckle as she returns the tight hug, and for a few moments we simply hold each other.

The door abruptly opens and there’s an “Oh!” we split apart to see a shocked Ellie looking between us. “Sorry, you two had been a while, and I hadn’t really talked to Maggie and I thought something might be wrong but you two are having a moment and I ruined it so I’m just gonna let you get back to it.”

She’s backing out of the door while continuing to ramble with nonsensical, run on, sentences, Dina is watching her go with a mix of amusement and worry on her face, she laughs under her breath and turns to me. “I’m gonna go get her, she was really worried about you, she just had so much going on before.”

I nod and watch as she follows Ellie out the door, flopping back down on the bed once I’m alone.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because this fic doesn't have enough angsty feelings jams.

I’m lying back on the bed in the light of the candles when the door creaks open, Ellie’s face peering through. I bring myself into a sitting position and pat the mattress next to me, inviting her to join me.

She obliges, walking over to me and silently sitting next to me. There’s an awkward silence for a few seconds and I can tell she won’t be the one to break it.

“Are you okay?” I’m studying her face as I ask, she keeps it carefully blank.

“I don’t know,” she flounders for a few seconds, trying to find the right words, I let her take her time. “It’s nice to know that he’s alive, it’s good news, but knowing he’s in danger? and not being able to do anything about it? Just makes me feel so helpless. He’s looked out for me for almost six years, I want to be the one to look out for him now, I just want to find him.” She places her head in her hands and lets out a deep breath.

I place a comforting hand on her arm. “we’ll find him. I’ll help you find him.”

Her eyes shoot up to meet mine and I hold her gaze, trying to show true conviction to my words.

She blinks in surprise and straightens up, “you’re really gonna stick around? I thought you’d be out of here as soon as you could walk properly.”

I shrug and lean back with my elbows against the bed, she remains still, looking at me with an expression of doubt. I make an effort to explain it without making it seem like it’s about me or prompting hard to answer questions.

“I don’t have anywhere to go, or anything to do, and I like you… and I want to help you find Joel. You told me this morning that he’s your home, if I can help you bring your home back here, safe? …I will, you know?”

Her expression lightens, and she leans closer to me to look at the thin line on my neck, “You know if you’re gonna come with me we really need to work on your communication skills. You had a machete to your throat and a gun to your head and you’re just gonna tell me not to do anything?”

“If you’d rushed at them like a psycho then I’d probably be dead, I had a plan, and it probably would have been hard for me to lay it out for you under the circumstances.”

She shoves my shoulder lightly, “yeah well you scared the shit out of me, again.”

Her head tilts up so that we’re making direct eye contact and there’s a sudden feeling of electric tension. We’re closer now and the space between us is filled with a feeling of static that keeps both of us still in fear of disturbing it.

It’s not even awkward, our stand-off probably only lasts for a few seconds, but I’m filled with the same feeling of comfort and familiarity that I’ve been feeling with her since we’d met.  A feeling that I’d been fighting in favor of paranoia and survival instinct.

It’s like we’re both holding our breaths as we refuse to back down from whatever weird game we’re playing. She breaks first, her eyes flitting down for just a second to look at my lips and then back again. I’m steeped in the sudden feeling of losing control, and with the face of my dead lover being forcibly brought to the forefront of my mind I turn my head, breaking eye contact.

Taking the hint and snapping out of whatever weird emotion had permeated the air around us for the last minute, her face sobers up and she turns so she’s facing the door, leaning forward with her elbows resting on her knees and her face held in one hand. She looks back at me, “You really have nowhere to go? There’s no one worried about you just disappearing? What about Nora, you said she was your friend, don’t you think she’s looking for you?”

I don’t like the direction this conversation is turning, when my voice comes out it’s filled with a slight desperation for understanding.

“I _can’t_ go back there, Abby, her—Liv’s … _her_ sister. I can’t.” I haven’t said her name out loud since I was holding her dead body in my arms. There are no tears now, but I’m still choking on the delivery, the words getting stuck in my throat.

“Do you really think they would _blame_ you? You were attacked, she was murdered, it’s _not_ your fault. Your people are probably worried sick about you. Don’t you think they deserve more than that, that _you_ deserve more than that?” There’s frustration creeping into her voice now.

I’d never even taken a second to think about it. Without word from either of us they wouldn’t even know Olivia was dead, maybe they all think that I’m dead too. I was suddenly overcome with nausea at the thought that the entire group could think of me as some innocent martyr that died alongside Liv. When in reality I was the one who killed her, what kind of coward am I? they probably _were_ searching for us, doomed to exist without closure, because I was scared of the consequences of facing up to Abby.

I rise from my initially comfortable position, which now feels stiff as I’ve held it for too long and fight off the onset of tears that are threatening to overwhelm me. It’s no use hiding them from Ellie, I can already feel her perplexed gaze on the side of my face, scrutinizing the nature of my emotions.

“Shit, I made you cry again, it’s like I can’t stop saying the wrong thing.” The winds seems to go out of her sails.

I shake my head and try to clear my throat of the tears, “it’s not you. Tt’s not your fault I’m a shitty person.”

She doesn’t seem to have an answer for this, but I can see her fist clench slightly at my words and I wonder for a second if she’s going to hit me. I push that thought out of my mind instantly, she’s too good a person, she wouldn’t even think of it.

“Why do you keep saying shit like that?” her voice sounds uncharacteristically angry now, “you can’t hold all of this in, let it eat you up inside, and then insist that you’re to blame! Shit happens, people make mistakes, but if you keep isolating yourself you’re never going to move on!”

Ellie stands suddenly and I’m stuck staring at the floor, just trying to keep my emotions in check. I keep messing this up, pushing her away, not accepting her help even when I know she’s the most likely person to understand.

“I can’t help you if you don’t want help.” Concern and frustration color her tone. “I never knew her but I think Olivia would be furious if she found out that you were talking about yourself like this!”

A second of silence and then I hear the door open and then slam shut again, I don’t look up to see her go. I take a deep, shuddering breath, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I can’t seem to get enough oxygen into my lungs, my breath become quick and shallow, I can hear my heart beating rapidly in my ears.

In the back of my mind I know that breathing quickly is probably making it worse, but I can’t send the message from my brain to the muscles in my body.

I don’t know how long I sit there, my rapid breathing dissipates and I lay down, tears still running down my face and take stock of the thoughts swirling through my brain.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I need to do the right thing, I need to go back. Finding Abby, giving St Cloud the closure they deserve by telling them what happened. They might hate me, they might not, but if I’ve come to any conclusion it’s that they deserve better than to be left in the dark, that it’s not about me.

Once we find Joel, if Ellie will still want me tagging along, I’ll go back to put things right.

Once I come to this conclusion, I think of what just transpired between Ellie and I, the strange rollercoaster of emotions our conversation took.  I wonder if Dina is still here, I can’t hear anything beyond the bedroom door, and I can’t imagine her staying put in the event of the argument that took place. I don’t know whether she would have left or intervened. 

I take a shaky breath and stand, my head spinning and dizziness overtaking my body as I get up too quickly. Placing my hands on the desk I wait for the wave of dizziness to pass. Once it does I look towards the door, Ellie told me that I would never be able to move on if I kept it all in, and she’s the only one I can think of that would be able to understand.

Maybe explaining, talking about it, could be the white flag that I raise. My way of apologizing for pushing her away, finally answering her questions. We’re about to go on a journey together that would require trust and transparency, communication.

I want to stop feeling this way, I want to remember Liv with the happiness our relationship brought. But I imagine that kind of closure won’t come for a long time, at least not before I talked to Abby.

I think back to the electric moment that had transpired between Ellie and I. It hadn’t felt awkward, I felt something for her that I couldn’t explain, but I obviously wasn’t ready for the what had been about to go down. Was she going to kiss me? or was I reading too much into it?

I decide to shove it deep down inside me, because I’ve become so damn good at that, I need to address one thing at a time.

 

I make my way over to the door and inch it open silently. I can see Ellie sitting at the head of the table, elbow placed on the surface and her hand placed over her forehead, with her back to me. There’s no sign of Dina and she still looks angry.

I shut the door as silently as I can and let out a breath in an attempt to psyche myself up. There’s no mirror in the room but I work to wipe my face clean of any tears or gunk. I take another steadying breath to calm myself and open the door.

Ellie starts and turns her head towards me as she hears me enter.

“Maggie! I-- …are you okay? I’m such an ass, I shouldn’t have said that, it was totally out of line.” She looks stricken as she rises from her seat.

I shake my head and give her a weak smile, “it’s okay, Ellie”

I walk past where she’s now half standing at the table and over to the counter top where a gas stove is sitting. I fill a beat up old kettle with water and place it on the stove, turning it on and working to grab tea and two mugs. There are no clean mugs so I busy myself with cleaning a couple while I wait for the water to boil.

I can feel Ellie’s wary gaze on my back as I work, “Uhm, Mags, you all good?” she sounds confused now but I don’t want to start this conversation until we’re both comfortable, maybe if I have the comfort of a cup of tea in front of me and no distractions, I can stop trying to hide.

I pour the boiling water into the mugs and lower two home-made strainers filled with tea leaves into them, steeping them for a few minutes, then removing them.  No words are spoken between us. Walking over to Ellie I place one mug in front of her confused, now sitting, form.

I sit in the seat next to her and hold my boiling mug of tea in my hands, fiddling constantly with it to stop my skin from burning.

Ellie is looking at me, her expression worried, “You know you’re doing that thing where you scare the shit out of me again.”

“I’m sorry, I’m trying to organize my thoughts.”

“Thoughts about what?” she looks interested now.

“I wanna go back.” I look her in the face as I say it, trying to convey open honesty.

“That—that’s great!” she looks caught off guard but rolls with it, “I would come with you but—”

“After I help you, obviously.” my eyes do avert at this, and I feel silly for a second, assuming that she still wants my help. “If you don’t mind me tagging along, that is.”

She laughs a little under her breath, “I thought that _you_ wouldn’t want to help _me_ anymore.” There’s a sigh as she relaxes a little, leaning back in her chair, “you know, sometimes it’s like we’re yelling at each other through a warzone, I always feel like we’re on different pages.”

She tests the temperature of her tea and takes a tentative sip after blowing on it a little.

“I know what you mean, but that’s probably my fault.” She looks up sharply at me, probably preparing to scold me for blaming myself again, but I beat her to it. “I’ve been pushing you away, and it’s not fair on you… I want to tell you about her, about Olivia. I want to _stop_ holding it all in.”

My voice doesn’t trip over the name this time, and Ellie’s indignant expression falters into one of shock. She adjusts herself in the seat, leaning forward and placing a hand on my forearm, “you don’t have to, but… I want to hear if you think you’re ready.”

I laugh at this, “if it were up to me I don’t think I would ever be ready. But I think it’ll be good for me, and for us—for like, trust and stuff.”

She chokes a little on her tea at the word ‘us’, her hand jerks away from its place on my arm and my mind is brought back to her eyes looking at my lips for that split second in the bedroom. I ignore that topic for now, preparing myself for the emotional toll of the current topic.

She’s schooled her expression and is back to looking at me patiently and expectantly. I’m amazed at the true interest there, like she really wants to know about Liv, I can feel a swell in my chest in the anticipation of talking about it.

 

“She was two years older than me, but we were both born in the same quarantine zone, not too long after the outbreak. We grew up together, we were basically inseparable.”

Ellie shoots me a sad smile and I pause to take a sip of tea, schooling the emotions threatening to rush me.

“Then when I was twelve, her family moved away, I don’t know why. But I never really made other friends. Then when I was sixteen and my parents died I didn’t really have any reason to stay.”

Ellie’s eyes widen a little, “you were on your own at sixteen?”

I nod, “I was on my own for six months, I just tried to avoid people and infected and learnt how to use a bow”

“How’d you meet back up with Olivia?”

I actually smiled, “I got into some trouble when I ran into infected, and a group of people helped me out, hunters from St Cloud. They offered to help me out and I went with them, Liv was there, and Abby. It was quite the reunion.”

I sigh and put my head in my hands, “How am I gonna tell her her sister’s dead? It’s gonna fucking destroy her.”

Ellie straightens up, “Hey, hey none of that shit okay? you were just smiling. Let’s get back to the fuzzy storytelling.”

I giggle a little and wipe a small tear that had escaped my eye, appreciating the way her coaxing stops me from spiraling. I take another sip of tea, Ellie mirrors my action.

“It was like we’d never been apart, we picked up so fast. She was incredible, the strongest person I knew, and she was so passionate. Everything she did she put 100% in, training, hunting, protecting me. I even tried teaching her how to cook, she was so bad at it, but she tried so hard anyway.

“We used to argue about what weapons I wanted to learn, she thought the bow would be safer, she even hand-made me a bow, I think it was a bribe but I didn’t care.”

Ellie looks at the door that my bow is hidden behind, “she made that for you? Explains why you’re so attached to it.”

I nod, “it makes me feel safe, like she’s with me, or something. Is that stupid? It sounds stupid”

“It’s not stupid” she crosses her arms and rests them on the table with her head on top, looking up at me, waiting for me to continue. I’m caught off guard by just how adorable I find it.

I shake off the thought and continue, “we used to spend hours every day practicing, spending time together, y’know? Mostly she would try and distract me, but I never felt like I was good enough, so I would try and practice as much as I could.

“It feels like I’m just lost without her. we knew literally everything about each other, when we were fighting, it was like we were one person. Like we could read each other’s thoughts.”

I feel a thousand times lighter sharing all of this with someone, I can’t stop smiling, Ellie’s smiling too. It feels like a real, authentic moment between us, the most real we’ve ever been with each other. Or at least as real as _I’ve_ ever been with _her_.

I suddenly feel wiped out. Still happy, still lighter, just exhausted.

She sits up and takes another drink of tea, waiting for me to continue. But I send her a sleepy smile and drain the rest of my quickly cooling tea, standing and moving to clean the mug.

“thanks for listening Ellie, you were right, it really helped.”

“I’m glad it helped, we can do this any time.” She also drains the rest of her tea and moves to stand next to me.

I place a hand on her shoulder and move past her, “you too, if you ever want to talk about Joel, or anything. I’m here, I wanna listen.”

She smiles at me and one of those moments happens again, an electric moment that makes me want to close the distance between us, but both of us ignore the feeling in favor of standing stock still. Ellie’s the one to recognize it this time and she moves away first. Which I’m eternally grateful for.

Whatever the hell is brewing between us needs to slow the hell down. I’m still grieving and it feels like an insult to Liv’s memory, I recognize that I should be running from this feeling like a horse in front of hot coals, but I’m trying to live in the moment instead of feeling guilty over the past.

We say soft goodnights and pad into our respective rooms, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I hit my pillow and sleep soundlessly for the first time that I can remember in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, so constructive criticism is VERY welcome :)


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